36. Color & Composition

Achievements for 09/05/10: Dealt with a series of unfortunate events like a boss. Cracked my spine back into health. Opened up to the family. Asked for help. Got my ducks in a row.

28. The Mirror Effect

The other day I was doing a little introspection and thought I'd see what the internet had to say about that. I was surprised when I came across a succinct little list of "Ways to Get to Know Yourself Better." Overall, it was very well thought out and written, but one particular point was original to me and really hit home. It basically said that when you see a behavior in another person that really irritates or upsets you, consider that it may be a behavior that you yourself engage in and are upset about. This idea struck me as very true, and I was able to look over some situations that bothered me and identify how I was angry because I felt like I was looking in a mirror when looking at the other person's behavior.

One good example of this is that I often feel irritated when I think that someone is wasting their time. I've caught myself thinking that people would be better off partying or slacking off less and focusing more on the important things in life. But when I turn that around and look at myself, I realize that I'm terrified of wasting my time. Why? Because I do waste my time. I often escape from big, worrying thoughts or problems that can't be fixed (read: important things in life) by watching movies or shows. I learned this from my Mom, and it's a very effective and sometimes necessary means of letting go of reality for awhile and immersing myself rationally and emotionally in a pretend universe. But I'm afraid that I do it too often. I'm afraid that instead of unraveling my thought process or doing the dishes, I'm watching the making of the Lord of the Rings. Granted, sometimes it's nice to have voices in the background or to watch something curious and engaging or to just escape from a tiring day. But I don't want to do it to the extent that it overwhelms other, more important, parts of my life.

Another thing that often upsets me is when folks don't respond to my calls or texts in an ungodly prompt fashion. I start to think that they don't like me or that something has happened or that they fell off a bridge and found an underwater kingdom where their phone somehow worked but they decided not to call me because they thought I'd feel awkward hanging out with semi-cannibalistic mer-folk.

When I use the person as a reflection, I see that I sometimes will not respond to calls or messages when I dislike or feel awkward around another person. I know there are some other issues revolving around respecting and understanding other people, but as it relates to the mirror effect, I see how I feel disappointed in myself for avoiding people rather than just coming out and being honest about my feelings. It's scary, not to mention unusual, for people to be that frank, and in a lot of cases I don't have anyone to look to for guidance in this. But I think just realizing that being irritated when people aren't crazy prompt is just me reflecting how I feel upset for not being more forward. In some cases, I believe it is just best to let things go. But I know I need to learn to be more respectful and honest with other people, regardless of any feelings I do or don't have concerning them. I know that it would be better for everyone involved to be clear on the situation, and I'm hoping it will help clear my conscious and ease my phone related irritability.

27. Taking Responsibility

I notice that I don't always take responsibility for things that happen in my life, and I want to change that. Sometimes I blame other people for the way that things turn out, or I put the responsibility of the situation on other another person. I'm also bad about, when I finally do take control of events, whining about it not being fair that I have to "be the adult." On the one hand, I can sympathize that it's nice when other folks take initiative. However, the bottom line is that I need to take responsibility for the actions and decisions in my life. If I want something to change, I need to make that change, rather than placing blame or being whiny.

I feel like taking responsibility is very closely related to "owning up." In some ways, I'm very good at this. I will flat out say if I don't understand something or if I don't know what something means. I own up to my ignorance. But there are other situations, typically when I've made a mistake, that I won't fully own up to it. I may apologize, but there are lots of instances when I'm apologizing for the situation rather than my actions. I don't always completely own up to what I've done. I think this is because, at the heart of it, I'm afraid. If I allow myself to fully realize the wrong that I've done, then I may realize that I'm not worth loving. Worse yet, if I completely own up to the situation and tell everyone else involved that I made a big, awful mistake, then they may not love me anymore.

I realize that it's much better to take responsibility, and I think that understanding my underlying fear will help me own up more in my everyday life. I don't want to bury things anymore. I want to be completely honest and open with other people when I make a mistake, and more importantly I want to be totally honest and open with myself. I need to learn to say that I did something wrong, that I've learned from it, and that I will do my best to not let it happen again. I think this will help how I relate with other people too and generally help me overcome some negativity in my thought processes. It will definitely be hard and scary to look inside myself and see what I've done, but in the end I know it will be worth it.

In sum, I need to stop blaming others and look inward for solutions.

To get the ball rolling, I take full responsibility for neglecting my helpful, thoughtful blog all during the month of July. I'll do my best not to let it happen again. :)

26. Different But Not Better

Sometimes I feel like I'm cheapening a thing by doing something else instead. For instance, I was offered a job at the library, and even though I really want it and know it would be great in all aspects of my life, I still find myself justifying my porn as if people would think it's less important to me now that I have a "real" job. I love making porn, and it has helped me get to an amazing, solid, and independent place in my life. There are all sorts of reasons to take on the library job, none of which reflect negatively on my porn. The two are just different, and I love them both.

I know this is a reoccurring theme in my life just coming around in a different way, and I realize how it affects the way I think about relationships too. It's definitely something I struggle with, especially considering my elitist, sadistic philosophy. It's hard for me to look at things without the lens of better than/less than. I know I can quantify things as different without thinking of them as better or worse when compared, but there's still a tickle in the back of my head that wonders why one isn't better. Maybe if it worked on it's flaws or expanded or adopted some of the highlights of the "competition" it could rise a tier higher. But now it's obvious that I'm just talking about myself!

Achievements for 06/20/10: Learned to make glorious vegan pizzas with homemade crust! Went to see the local sand sculptures. Had a really neat summer solstice. Re-discovered the bird sanctuary and marsh. Visited with my aunt. Saw some nice chickens at the fair. Made some big decisions!

25. Fear

I realized one of the goals I've been working on unconsciously is not being afraid. I don't want to be afraid of my physical limitations, so I challenge myself to try things like surfing and rock climbing. I don't want to be afraid to learn about myself, so I face my emotions and unravel my thoughts. I don't want to be afraid of challenging and expanding my comfort zone in all aspects of my life. I keep telling myself that I'm not afraid, and a lot of times that's true. But sometimes it isn't. Sometimes I'm afraid, and in the last week I pinpointed a few things that I'm very afraid of.

I'm afraid of showing my unshaved underarms to some of my friends and to the general public. Even on hot days, I usually throw on a jacket or at least a light button up. I'm not afraid of people seeing my hairy legs, but I am afraid of them seeing my underarms. Arcata is usually where I feel most and ease and will sometimes go out with just a tank top on. But even then, I try to keep my elbows at my sides. Even around good friends I'll be sure to wear something that doesn't declare "I don't shave my underarms!" I'm afraid of what people will think of me. I'm afraid they'll judge me or not want to be my friend. But really, why should I be so afraid of the perception of the general public? I already look alternative, so why am I worried about one more step? Because I have been judged and mocked about not shaving, sometimes by the people who are closest to me and sometimes by my family. How do I get over this?

Another thing I'm very afraid of is sharing Tegan. I've never been mocked for having a little side, but there seems to be even more social pressure about age play. Even people in the kink community sometimes consider it edge play, and that makes me scared to think of the implications that the general public would put on something like 24-hour little-ness. I think it's probably easier because I'm female. I think the social pressure would be much, much harder on a male to wear cute clothes, act small, and carry around a stuffed animal. But that still doesn't help me! Ideally, I'd like to be able to take my little out into public. I'd like to be able to have my stuffed animal around when I know I might have a little situation. I don't want to be ashamed of this part of who I am. But at the same time, I'm afraid. I don't want people to assume things about me or make fun of me.

But really, couldn't they already do that? I had one woman I'd never met before try to degrade my charter school experience to make herself feel better about her own children. I made snide remarks about public school and what I "missed out on," but I got the feeling it all went over her head. I'm not afraid or ashamed of that aspect of myself, so why should I be afraid of a certain part of my body or psychology? People are going to think and act however they like, regardless of who I am. It's not my problem that a part of me triggers an insecurity in them. I think I just have to force myself to be bold. If someone is too mentally or emotionally weak to deal with who I am, then it's not my job to fix them or deal with them in any way.

It's the first day of summer, and I'm going to wear a tank top.

Achievements for 06/13/10: Went to Sacramento and San Francisco. Had the most amazing vegan banana split with homemade cashew whipped cream ever. Attended my first vegan cooking class. Really, really enjoyed and started to get more comfortable with my yoga class. Went to farmer's market and Oyster fest. Visited with a good friend and met a really cool house. Finished The Stand by Stephen King.

24. Always There

I remember talking to my counselor about feeling sad, because there isn't anything really permanent that I can hold on to. Family passes away, friends move on, jobs change and so do living situations. When we first met, he asked me what I majored in. I told him philosophy, and he said that he had minored in it. I like to attribute what he said next to that fact. I said something along the lines of, "There's nothing and no one who will always be there." He replied, "You'll always be there." I absolutely cracked up laughing, and even thinking about it now I can't help but smile. Being reminded of that makes me feel very, very joyful. I think it has something to do with my ability to bootstrap and probably something to do with my love of self as well.

So, here I am. And here I'll always be!

Achievements for 06/06/10: Went to yoga and belly dance classes. Remembered my love of Whale Wars. Tried out laser tag. Solidified plans for Oakland. Planted catnip and Johnny jump-ups.

23. Outside My Comfort Zone

I came up with a new rule for myself in order to help test and expand my comfort zone. If I'm afraid of something, I have to do it. But if I just straight don't want to do it, then I don't do it. Sometimes it's hard to figure out if I'm scared or don't care, in those cases I try to compromise. The bottom line is that I want to learn new things, meet new people, and go new places without my fear being an inhibiting factor. Here are a couple things I want to try out over the summer.

1. Acting: I took an acting class last month and really enjoyed it. I even got invited to come sit on an improv meeting. Later this week there will be another class taught by a different teacher, so I'm going to attend that and see how it makes me feel. Ultimately, I'd like to perform something. I performed for the Imps a few times, and when I was younger I danced in big, local shows. I'd love to get in front of a big crowd again and strut my stuff, in whatever form that takes.

2. Surfing: I've lived on the coast all my life and adore the beaches. When I was younger, I was always told to stay away from the water and discouraged from anything other than swimming at the local pool, hence why I'm scared of trying it! But I'm a relatively strong swimmer and there are plenty of opportunities to learn how. I know of one class later this month and if that doesn't work out I'm sure there are people who can teach me how.

3. Rock Wall Climbing: I remember always wanting to try the rock walls at the fair when I was kid, but I was always too scared to actually do it. Now the university has one, and it always looked like fun when I was working out in the gym. I figure when I go back in the fall and have free access to the gym I can scrounge up someone to show me how it's done. I don't have a whole lot of upper body strength, but it's something I'm working on. Plus, if it turns out it's something I really like doing, it'll be another way I can work on my totally sick pythons!

Achievements for 05/30/10: Checked out some awesome tide pools. Did an amazing shoot with KG. Helped out with a cuddle party set up. Helped out with family things. Gave some great birthday gifts and attended some really fun, fulfilling parties!

22. 5 Things I Do Really Well

1. Bootstrapping. I originally learned the term from working with Linux, but I feel that it applies to what I do during intense emotional situations. I very rarely reach out to other people when I'm faced with a crisis or breakdown, so all I have to work with is myself. Typically I let myself whine or cry or wallow in apathy for awhile, and then I pull myself up by my bootstraps. I still don't totally understand how I do this or what I'm even actually doing. But I stand up, look myself in the mirror, typically laugh about how absurd I look, and then proceed with my day. I feel like I pull myself up by my bootstraps in larger situations that last months too. I bootstrapped my way out of anxiety, depression, and paranoia that crippled my relationships and day-to-day life.

2. Tell the Truth. Whether it's with myself, someone I love or someone I just met, I'm very good at being honest. Just as importantly, I'm good at knowing what the truth is to begin with. I don't hide or ignore things that are embarrassing or even shameful. I'm working on putting myself out there more and more, and for me that necessarily means being honest.

3. Organization. I'm very organized in my physical space and in my planning. I love knowing where everything is in my home, and I have a slightly creepy ability to tell other people where things are in their own home. I also love having a full social calendar planned out in advance, and this means I rarely, if ever, have anything double-booked or forget an appointment. Lately, I've learned to be organized and take inventory emotionally too. I tend to dump out my feelings in my journal or to a friend and then make neat and tidy connections with them. Overall, I'm very good at keeping my ducks in a row.

4. Be Creative. I feel like I'm a creative person in a lot of different ways. I love arts and crafts. I almost always have two or three projects going at once that range from vegan baking to amateur taxidermy. But I like to be creative in day-to-day sorts of ways too, and this has a lot to do with how much I enjoy problem solving. I like to find little things that frustrate or annoy me and then mull over interesting ways of dealing with them. I also feel like my job is an extension of my creativity too. Coming up with themes, costumes, props, and angles are all fun ways to express my creativity.

5. Problem Solve. Honestly, I get a certain thrill when I realize a problem has come up in my life, because then I know I get to use my problem solving skills to work it out. Sometimes it's something mundane like not liking the placement of my hand towel in the bathroom. Other times it's big emotional baggage that I've worn around my neck like a weight for years. Regardless of the size of the problem, there's still a way to solve this. I think this definitely ties in with being creative, because a lot of times problems don't have very straightforward answers. My methods for figuring out the problem are different, but I always get a sense of joy from rolling it around in my head until the right answer surfaces.

Achievements for 05/23/10: Was ever so satisfied with the ending of Lost. Learned the importance of wearing shoes in Zumba class. Met with a new friend and took time to relax. Spent lots of time with the family and helping out in general. Did a ton of C4S work. Found out about the music group "bond."

Reflections on May: May was a wonderful month of new experiences and healing. I was able to witness a beautiful wedding ceremony with friends and took part in two great birthday parties. Overall, I spent a lot of time in the company of friends, new and old. I attended the munch and spent a lot of time working with MT. I experienced all sorts of new things sexually and learned some of my likes and dislikes. I also learned some new things about creating smooth and interesting video. I really worked on expanding my comfort zone and took an improv acting class and attended some new dance classes. I checked out the local larp scene and had a really great and random day surrounding the event. I also got really comfortable with working on webcam and want to expand that more and more. I may have earned enough money for a sewing machine, but I ended up buying two new shirts instead! I pretty much finished all of the organization projects I'd planned for myself and started working on old craft projects again. I got rid of an absolute ton of old artwork, and it feels great to have all of the extra space and just have projects that I'm very proud of or very inspired by.

Expectations for June: Go to Seattle, Oakland, and Medford. Shoot with CD and KG. Continue to expand my comfort zone. Go to three exercise classes per week. Get on cam three times per week. Do organizing and craft projects for the month.

21. Pet Peeves

I like lists, but there are things that I don't like that aren't lists. This is a list of pet peeves that I have with myself. They're little annoyances that I'm trying to figure out how to get over. Nothing big but still a total pain in the butt!

1. Whining about money. I have no idea why I do this, but every time it comes out of my mouth I cringe internally. I especially don't like when I use money as an excuse, like not being able to do something because I don't have the cash. Nine times out of ten, I do have the money, but I plan on using it for groceries or gas. I really just want to say, "No, but thank you very much. How about we do this instead?" I think the heart of the matter is that I feel impolite when I use an excuse, and I was taught that money is a private matter. So, really I just want to be polite!

2. Chewing my lip. I don't know why I first starting gnawing on my bottom lip, but it has become a nervous habit. I tried to remedy it with chapstick, but it comes off too quickly. Sometimes lipstick works, but I'm not always in the mood to wear it. Recently I bought a fat pack of gum, and I realize that has helped me a lot. Maybe it's more of an oral fixation than a habit, but either way I'm going to try to get rid of it with gum!

3. Letting food go bad. I'm not talking about all food. I'm a single woman, and there is no way on this green earth I can be expected to finish an entire, full grown stalk of celery before it spoils. There's just no feasible way. What I'm bad about is putting things like soup or beans in a bowl for later, covering it with a paper towel, and then completely forgetting it exists for the next two to three weeks. Maybe I should invest in some clear wrap or just use the clear plastic containers I already have!

4. Being paranoid. I'm actually quite skilled at making a mountain out of a mole hill, and I do this way more than I should. I picked up this fun little habit from a few different members of my family, and I always feel upset when they act paranoid. But in reality the only difference between their thoughts and mine is that I don't speak mine out loud. I need to learn to be realistic and let go of thoughts and, a lot of the time, just laugh at myself. Being paranoid does nothing but upset me and inevitably stress me out.

5. Wasting time. This is probably my biggest little problem at this point in my life. I can waste time like nobody's business. Maybe I'll just check my email, but as long as I'm here I might as well check out the current discussion on Lost and read that new webcomic and what about a little time on Cute Overload? Chrome has a cute little extension called Stay Focused, but I disabled it when I realized some of my work sites cross over with time wasting sites (like Twitter). Plus, it's sometimes hard to add all the sites that I can potentially waste time on. But I'm going to enable it right now and make it work for me, because my time is important!

Achievements for 05/16/10: Spent time with furs and pervs. Shot with MT. Went to the beach. Went up to Trinidad and visited a bed and breakfast. Worked on videos for C4S. Marketed SC like a boss. Did a Lost photo shoot. Took that acting class. Started getting established on MFC.

20. When You Knew

I've recently had a few different people ask me how and when I knew I was poly. For me, it wasn't all of a sudden, and I don't think I woke up one morning and decided it was the lifestyle for me. Honestly, I'm not even completely convinced it is a choice. Like being attracted to certain kinds of people, I think being attracted to more than one person at a time is just a part of my nature. For the longest time, I didn't even have the word polyamorous in my verbal arsenal. All I had was, "I feel this way about you... and you and you!" And quite frankly, there were times when I didn't even have that! The issue first came up when I started having sex which was at a young age, and so I didn't know shit from Shinola when it came to communication.

The first person I had sex with was D, and he and I were two members from a group of four that spent an immense amount of time together. D and I were clearly in a relationship, but I had just discovered sex. And this meant anything and everything was fair game. I wanted desperately into C's pants, but it just wasn't happening. We kept spending more and more time together, and I realized that I was starting to fall in love with C too. Meanwhile, I was still very happy with D in spite of the usual teen love drama. C wasn't the reason D and I broke up, but it did add fuel to the fire. I couldn't express clearly how I felt and what I wanted, and even if I had I don't know if we could have made it work. But then along came K, and the two of us were happy. I was still very happy with K when D came back into my life. I loved and sexed them both, and this about tore poor K apart. I ended up not seeing D anymore and just pursuing the relationship with K.

It wasn't until I was with Y that I learned about open relationships. Unfortunately, ours was very stifling, so all the reading I did was in private. I didn't share anything I learned with him but instead read the stories of other people's lives and pined for a day when I could live my life like that. When I broke up with Y, the door was suddenly thrown wide open for me. I could do or be whatever I wanted. I decided to go down the road of the ethical slut, and while it's been more than I ever could have anticipated, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I still feel like it's a part of who I am that's constantly changing and growing.

Achievements for 05/09/10: Went to dance class. Chilled with new and old friends and crashed some parties. Got two intense MT videos done. Tried out a few new recipes. Finished my PAX East scrapbook. Got rid of a ton of old artwork and organized a bunch of spaces.

19. Aberration

"...The truth is a big fat nasty glowing monster waiting to devour me. Only that this monster is actually me... Remind myself to not give up to this monster."

I described my cycle of negative thoughts as a hydra the other day, and the idea stuck. They're very cyclical to begin with, but then when I feel like I've corrected one aspect and go onto the next, the part I thought I was finished with rears its head again. Typically it goes something along the lines of, "I don't trust this person, because I think they might abandon me or otherwise abuse my trust. But why would they do that? Because I'm not good enough to be loved." I realized the whole reason I wanted to go into counseling is because of that train of thought, because of that hydra. I can say I'm not good enough to fix something, and I don't want to be. But that's only one neck of the problem and isn't enough to solve it. So what about the other two?

Trust, at least in myself, is something I've been working on in leaps and bounds this last week. I feel incredibly puffed up and proud about how I handled a few key situations, and I'm believing in myself again and getting that cocky look back in my eyes. I think that trusting in other people will be a combination of time and establishing different boundaries for different people. What am I willing to give to another person? And what emotional investment am I willing to place in whatever I've handed over to them? I don't know that fear of abandonment has a solution. It was suggested to me that maybe it's just something that takes time. Maybe I need to have more life experiences. Maybe I need someone to show me that I'm good enough. But I strongly dislike the idea of that. It feeds back into my not wanting to trust people. I certainly don't want to have to rely on another person to give me a life experience that I really want and believe I need! Then again, maybe there just isn't a solution. Maybe this isn't a "problem" in the way that I've been looking at it. Maybe this is something that doesn't need to be "fixed." Maybe it's just me.

I don't like the idea of this just being a part of me, and I equally don't like the idea of needing other people. But, surprisingly enough, I have to have it. Oh, look! Here's the human condition that I need to acknowledge but keep frowning at and continually try to sweep under the rug. Believe it or not, I don't think that's going to help anything. With a big sigh and grumbling under my breath I need to say that I need other people. Of course I realize this is true in the bigger sense. I need the postman to take my mail, I need the grocer to stock my favorite cereal, and I need the mechanic to check my oil. But more than that I need real, close human contact. And not just family. And not just friends. I want someone close to me. I want a physical, emotional, and mental connection with another human being. And in all honesty, this is incredibly hard for me to say!

I feel like saying that I want this connection in my life means that I'm saying I need it. I know that isn't true, but I'm terrified of getting anywhere near that ledge where the drop off leads down to a pit of Cosmo and constant phone checking and obsessing over appearance and exuding desperation around prospective mates. I also feel like this is turning my back on the sacred thing that is my solo space. If not for my strict physical, financial, and emotional independence, I wouldn't have learned all these intricate things about myself! I wouldn't have stability or safety. And most importantly, I wouldn't have peace of mind. I enjoy my alone time immensely, and I feel as though when I say I want a special person in my life, I'm saying I'm willing to throw my solo lifestyle out the window. And maybe that's just because I've never actually had a relationship that didn't ultimately compromise my lifestyle in a drastic way. And maybe it's because I live in a culture that obsesses over white picket fence scenarios. And maybe it's just because I don't know any other person who lives the way I do.

So, maybe I'm not broken after all. Maybe the hydra is just an energy that I need to recognize and respect before turning that energy into something good and productive. Maybe it's just me. But, naturally, that doesn't mean I won't constantly strive to improve myself!

Reflections on April: April was a very busy month with all sorts of exciting time with friends new and old. I spent a lot of time with the sex positive community by attending the Sexland Expo, going to the munch, and volunteering for two shifts at the Imps event. And even though our Hunters game was pushed back to the end of the semester, I still enjoyed the sessions we did have and found other ways to nerd out with friends. I registered for the fall semester and thereby cemented my plans for the latter half of the year. I also signed up for a new cam site and am enjoying all the traffic and variety of clients. Not to mention I cut and buzzed my own hair with great success for the first time and invested in a Feeldoe too! I took a salsa class that inspired me to get back into dancing, and I completely cured the wretched cough that followed me home from PAX! I dealt with website problems on the administrator side and made appointments to shoot with new and professional folks. Overall, not a bad month!

Expectations for May: Take an acting class. Go to dance class three times per week. Crap pants about the finale of Lost. Earn enough money for a sewing machine. Get on a regular-ish cam schedule. Finish organization & craft projects.

Achievements for 05/02/10: Went to the munch. Shot three sets with fellow charms. Shot two 45 minute videos with MT. Visited with new groups of folks. Celebrated Mother's Day early with my mom and grandma. Learned how to play spoons.

18. What About Tegan

I don't often talk about my interest in ageplay or, specifically, the little that I identify with. There are quite a few reasons why I shy away from this topic, not least of which is that ageplay is sometimes considered a form of edgeplay. It's often wrongly associated with pedophilia or d/l. Like being furry, it has a bad reputation that it's slowly growing out of. But more than the usual social misconceptions, I'm also feel that I'm unusual in my ageplay wants. There is zero sexuality to my little, and I want to keep it that way. There's also no physical punishment or discipline in my ideal arrangement. So what does Tegan want?

I've been waffling over this next paragraph for the last hour, because honestly I'm not accustomed to talking about Tegan. I'm worried about what other people will think, and even more so I'm worried about people having an interest in being a part of Tegan's life. In the past, I've had a few prospective Daddies lined up, but for whatever reason things didn't work out. This just served to upset and disappoint my little. So, I keep her more and more guarded. But really, the purpose of this is to express her publicly, and I'll do my best to dive in now that I've explained a little more.

Tegan is about six or seven years old and loves to play. She likes playing with stuffed animals, building blocks, and play wrestling with bigger kids. She adores interactions with older kids and loves having books read to her, being cuddled, taking naps, having a snack, and watching movies together. When alone, she enjoys coloring and jumping on the bed. What she craves most of all is having a big, or even a middle, to take her places. She wants to go to the zoo, the park, have ice cream, go swimming, and do all the other things littles get to do with their guardians. I still hold out hope to find a person or persons to play with and protect Tegan, but until then I'm working on keeping her content in a solitary space and being more public. So, ask me about my inner kid.

Accomplishments for 04/25/10: Made appointments to shoot with MT, CD, and SC girls. Attended a beautiful wedding. Made plans with friends. Did some great custom work and tinkered with movie magic. Tried a few new recipes. Dealt with website silliness.

17. Smells Like Breakthrough

I was really happy this past Wednesday when I leveled up with the help of my counselor. We were discussing my "not good enough" complex and how it relates to some of my relationships with other people. I realized that it all boiled down to not feeling like I was good enough to be loved. I could point to lots of instances when I was younger when I felt like that sentiment was being expressed to me, and I never really got over it. So, naturally, I ended up dragging that feeling into my adult life and into my friendships and intimate relationships. I realized that I was reading things into what people were saying and that it was only valid insofar as it was my own complex rearing its ugly head.

My counselor and I were talking about how I didn't feel like I was good enough to fix relationships and other peoples problems. I told him about one relationship in particular, and he basically said that I wasn't good enough to fix it... and neither was anyone else! This made something click in my head, and I realized what he said was true. I felt incredibly uplifted by the realization that there are times when I am not good enough to fix someone or something... and I don't want to be! I felt like this allowed me to shift the power of the situation and put control back in my hands. I can now own the way I feel without feeling helpless. I knew before that there were plenty of situations that I didn't want to deal with, because they weren't my problem or I didn't feel it was my job to fix them. Now I can extend this further and say that even if these are my problems, I'm just not good enough to fix them. So, I get to let them go!

I've been working more on my trust issue lately and focusing on why I don't feel like I trust myself. I realize I've made mistakes in the past, and I know that there are situations I could have handled better. But I realize what went wrong, and I feel I did my best given the circumstances. Still, I want to improve on this in the future. Specifically, I'm worried about letting people disrespect me and, in essence, walk all over me. I realized that when I love another person, I near enough let them get away with murder. I can't let myself do that, because it's incredibly detrimental to me! But people in my family have done some nasty things to me, and I still love them... so how do I reconcile that? I think by setting boundaries.

I don't believe in unconditional love, because I think that cheapens and destroys the meaning of love itself. I feel that love needs to be earned, even though I realize for myself that I don't have a lot of control over that emotion. I know I don't get to decide who I do and don't fall in love with, but I do get to decide how I act towards them. I know I can have love for someone without showing it to them or showing it to them without the confines of my established boundaries. Tegan and Sara say you need to walk out if they drag you down, and I know I need to adhere to that. Just because you love someone and they love you back doesn't give them the right to abuse your love. So make some boundaries and stick to them!

Achievements for 04/18/10: Took a salsa class and had a blast! Joined a new cam site. Did some big organization projects. Ate a whole loaf of Cookhouse bread. Got fresh flowers for the house. Sold my mini fridge. DIY fixed my cough. Went to my first prom and helped out on staff.

16. Healing & Personal Energy

Over the last week, I've been thinking a lot about different methods of healing. I'm currently seeing a therapist through HSU's Psychology department's master's counseling program, and I'm really looking forward to working through issues of not being "good enough" and trust with another individual to help guide and support me. These two big emotional knots are something I really want to work through for a variety of reasons, and one of these reasons is just so I can heal emotionally and move forward without that baggage.

I've also really wanted to heal physically in terms of making sure I'm having well balanced meals and moving my body in a variety of ways, but because I've been sick I only get to focus on drinking lots of water, tea, resting, and minimizing all forms of stress. I'm really looking forward to being well again so that I can dance, sing, stretch, and play without having to worry about a nasty cough or side pains. They're just no fun!

I talked to my massage therapist recently about the different ways that touch, massage specifically, can be very healing for a person. He emphasized the importance of the person giving the massage being able to handle the energy of the other person. This reminded me of how I'm very sensitive to the energy of other people. If they're wound up and excited, I get the same way. If they're calm and laid back so am I.

In my life, I've definitely had to work through big pitfalls in my own energy. I had extreme anxiety problems for a few years of my life, and I had to learn to let go of all that nervous tension and be calm. I also suffered through intense depression and had to learn to honor myself and refocus that negative energy into creativity. I am an absurdly passionate person, and I realize that I have to be mindful of where that passion is going.

Lately I've realized that a ton of my emotional and psychological energy has been fed into a black hole. It goes no where which upsets me, and then I just end up being negative! I've given it away without really thinking about it, and it's time for me to reclaim it for myself. I owe it to myself to not just give away that passion. I'm very excited to see all the things I can do and be when my time, love, and energy are my own!

Achievements for 04/11/10: Met with an old friend. Got a massage. Started counseling. Met some incredible new people to work with. Cammed more than I probably should have! Visited with good friends.

15. One Body, Many Lives

I recently heard the sentiment, "We have one body but many lives." Naturally I've heard the idea that we have one soul or life that hops around from body to body when we die. That notion has never really resonated with me, except when I'm completely out of my head. There are times when I feel like I am the "watcher." I pull out of my body and head and look down on myself. I'm completely at a loss when I look in the mirror. Or I feel a lonesome tugging on my soul that I can't explain or even put my finger on. These are the few times when I have felt that there was something more, but again it's something I don't feel I can truly talk about. It's just there, and occasionally I notice it.

The idea of having one body and many lives, however, truly resonates with me. I've noticed lately that my heart and head have been putting a big emphasis on the fact that I have only one body and that I get to ride this ride with it only once. I'm not sure why, but it has influenced my health practices overall. And for this I'm very grateful. I want to become even better at worshiping and empowering my body. My sexual health is fabulous, and my eating habits are getting better every day. I need to work on a better meal schedule and remember to move my body more, and I'm definitely getting to a place where I can work on both of those goals. I'm also doing a great job of keeping my stress levels low and dealing with stress and hardship in incredibly productive ways. I am very proud of myself, and I feel like I'm cresting the hill to a new life in this body.

I don't know why it never struck me before, but I adore the notion of rebirth in my body. When I look back over my life, I can see important points where I was essentially reborn in fire. Critical times in my life caused me to radically change how I looked at the world and myself. And there are other times when it I can see the slow and steady progress it took. I like examining my past lives and respecting how they helped to get me where I am now. I like to know that each day is an opportunity for me to improve or live a different life completely. That sense of self control is very refreshing.

Accomplishments for 04/04/10: Registered for fall classes. Socialized like a boss with nerds and pervs. Went to Kneeland. Got SC and work life back on track. Tried two new recipes. Had Easter with the family.

14. Journaling & Heavy Lifting

I've been working with some pretty heavy emotional lifting lately, and I've noticed that journaling has really helped me in a wide variety of ways. First off, it gives me someone to talk to who I can trust completely. I can rage or be sad or be totally crazy, and the only important thing is that I get it off my chest. I don't have to worry about offending or upsetting anyone with a journal. It's really liberating to know that I can pour my heart out without judgement. Once that's out of the way, I can really get down to the meat of the subject. Journaling has helped me unravel my feelings and look at things in different and constructive ways. I like being able to take a variety of different viewpoints and still be able to look back at where I started. Probably one of the best things about journaling is that it really helps me to focus on solutions. At the end of my entry, I always make a list of things that I've realized or want to accomplish. It's great being able to open up emotionally, work through my thoughts, and feel like I come out with something really constructive.

Lately, I've been working on two really big challenges of mine: trust and feeling like I'm "good enough." These are both issues that I have a history with and working with them is very difficult for me. Trust is especially hard, because I feel like I have to trust someone in order to open up emotionally to them. But how do I trust someone in the first place? Over the past year, I've had my trust broken by people I've been very close to and also by acquaintances. I see in myself just how much I've clammed up, and quite frankly I'm scared of opening back up. A good friend told me that I always seem very composed and in control of my appearances. I do feel in control, but I want to be able to open up. I want to express my inner little kid, and I want to be happy and exaggerated. But I'm just not sure how to go about restructuring my heart and head to make that feasible. I keep imagining my heart is like an egg, and I'm too scared to let anyone else hold it for fear they might drop it. Maybe I need to reinforce that egg? It's definitely a work in progress.

Accomplishments for 03/28/10: Got vaccinated! Dealt with explosive luggage. Supported the local sex positive and GLBTQQI community. Invested in the best sex toy in the whole universe. Cut and dyed my hair.

13. Timeline & Accomplishments

Because I'm so bad about remembering what happened when, I'm going to start a timeline primarily to keep track of my education but also for big events and things that are special to me. I hope to update it periodically when I think of think of something or achieve something new!

13/2000: Started Independent Study

14/2001: Started High School

15/2002: UB - Started Community College - Dated D.

16/2003: UB - Broke up with D. - Dated Ka.

17/2004: Broke up with Ka. - Dated K. - Graduated High School - Moved to 18th

18/2005: Met Aereus - Graduated Community College

19/2006: Started University

20/2007: UB RA - PAX

21/2008: Moved to Cedar - FC - UB RA - Broke up with K. - Renaissance Fair - Moved to 8th - PAX - Art School - Dated J.

22/2009: FC - Academic Leave - Moved to H - Started on SC - PAX

23/2010: FC - Moved back to 18th - PAXEast - PAX - Graduated University

I realize last week that I didn't add any expectations for the week, and that got me to thinking about the expectations set up. I realized that even when I set my expectations lower than usual, things like moving and parties and relationships come up that disrupt my predictions. Then when I look back over my expectations for the week and realize I've only finished one or two, I don't feel accomplished at all. So, what I'm going to start doing now is writing accomplishments at the end of the week. I think that this will help boost my morale and give me a sense of achievement. I'm still going to do expectations for the month, because I like forecasting the next four weeks. Plus, I already write accomplishments at the end of the month!

Accomplishments for 03/21/10: Got tested! Traveled to Boston and went to PAXEast!

12. Face Your Fears

A couple weeks ago I had the opportunity to face one of my fears, and it was a very liberating experience. I felt incredibly confidant afterwards and realized that what I had been afraid of really wasn't scary at all! On top of that, I've been talking with a few different folks who have been facing their fears lately. It's amazing to see and hear about the changes people can make when they put their minds to it. It got me to thinking about things that I'm afraid of and what I can do to face those fears head on. Here's a list of some things that scare me and some steps I plan to take to get over them!

1. Riding a motorcycle.

Reason: I'm afraid of it suddenly going from vertical to horizontal and am terrified of leaning into curves, which naturally only makes it worse.

Solutions: I can start out riding with someone I trust in paved, secluded areas where I don't have to worry about traffic or stop signs. Once I feel comfortable with that, I'd eventually like to build up to being okay with driving a motorcycle through a town.

2. Having my veins touched.

Reason: It's an intense, irrational fear that was amplified when treated as a joke by a significant other.

Solutions: I can start by just looking at my veins for a set amount of time and slowly increase that time as I get more and more comfortable. I want to work up to touching my own veins, having someone else touch them, and finally having my wrists squeezed without it significantly affecting me.

3. Listening to the sound of metal scraping metal or teeth scraping metal.

Reason: The sound itself makes my teeth ache and makes me want to clench my jaw.

Solutions: I can positively reinforce myself whenever I hear the sound. To keep my teeth and jaw busy, I can chew gum or gummies that I like when I hear the sound so that I have a positive association.

4. Abandonment.

Reason: Family problems as a child and young adult.

Solutions: Because there's nothing I can do to change the actions of others, I need to work on improving my sense of self confidence and self worth. I want to work on being really secure with myself, so that when people do move out of my life I don't feel a deep, painful sense of abandonment. I can improve my confidence by thinking positively, focusing on my accomplishments rather than perfection, and remembering to move my body!

11. Altered States

I don't react like most people do to alcohol. On a scale of 1 to 10 I don't actually feel drunk until I reach a 7, and I don't act drunk until I hit a 9. It sort of creeps up on me, and that's one of the reasons why I wanted to write about the different stages of inebriation, how they affect my ability to give consent, my ability to remember, and how I act during these stages. I act very much in control and sober up to the point where I'm about to black out, which makes it difficult if not impossible for my friends to keep an eye on me when I'm drinking. I've also had problems in the past with acting incredibly lucid while still being more or less asleep, and this has created problems. I realize too that emotional and other kinds of physical stress alter my state of consciousness. So, here is my scale from 1 to 10 on states of altered consciousness. The ones italicized are the most important and most commonly used ones for when I've been drinking.

1. Fully functional. Not hindered in any way, will remember things normally, and able to give consent.

2. Slightly distracted. May be thinking about something else.

3. Not focused. Thinking or occupied by something else.

4. Feeling buzzed. Feels physically different but no change in inhibitions or demeanor. Able to give consent and remember.

5. Groggy. Just woke up from a nap or getting done with heavy emotional lifting. Memory and consent are fine but rattled and/or unfocused.

6. Borderline. Very emotionally or physically upset. Starting to lose memory and consent.

7. Drunk. Able to give some consent and remember some things. Acts normal and shows few if any signs of inebriation.

8. Not present. Little to no consent, only remembers flashes of actions or conversations, though seems entirely coherent. Includes falling asleep.

9. Seems intoxicated. Staggers, tells embarrassing stories, and generally loses all inhibitions. Not able to consent and remembers only a little. Includes waking up from being asleep.

10. Completely blacked out. Absolutely no consent, will remember next to nothing, though still able to respond and make requests. Includes being dead asleep.

So what can I do to ensure that I have a fun and safe time while drinking? I need to always remember to eat before or while I'm drinking, and I must be sure that I drink plenty of water. Otherwise, I can become intoxicated much faster than I would normally. Also, I can drink slowly so that I don't suddenly go from a four to a seven without expecting it. Finally, I can let the people around me know where I'm at. I can tell them that if I can't look them in the eye, I'm not giving consent, which is true for when I'm asleep but seemingly carrying on a conversation as well. My friends and I know the 1 to 10 scale, but I can talk to them about what that means for me personally. Most importantly, I can simply keep my friends up to date with a quick check-in so that they know from me where I'm at.

Expectations for 03/21/10: Have Boston buffer finished and uploaded. Do three webcam sessions. Be packed for PAX. Finish calendar and tank projects. Submit to Beautiful Agony.

10. Move It!

Pack early and often. You don't always know when you're going to move. Sometimes it's spontaneous, in the dead of night, and all within the span of 48 hours. These are the times when this rule doesn't apply. But typically you'll have some sort of time line in mind when you know you're going to move. In order to make the whole process significantly less dreadful, start packing NOW. There are plenty of things we don't use in our day-to-day lives. In fact, the vast majority of what we own we do not use on a regular basis. So, pack it up now. Set goals for yourself, such as packing two full boxes every night or having the car full of boxes by the end of the week. This all helps avoid the last minute rush and crunch that results in the tea cups, sex toys, and that sweater you never wear getting thrown in the same box, leaving you with what looks like a windstorm went through a junk shop when you unpack.

Pack like with like. This may seem obvious enough. When you're packing the bookshelf. It makes sense that you would keep putting books into the box until it's full rather than adding a book, a wrench, and the cat. But what about when it comes to more complex parts of the house and things that aren't necessarily grouped? I highly recommend taking inventory of your home and dividing it into sections. I tend to divide my living space by room or by the function of the items, such as cooking, sleeping, bathing, etc. And from there I narrow down each division into smaller categories that I assume will fit into a box or two. Clothes can be narrowed down to shoes, hang-up clothing, folded, and accessories. Use whatever system works for you, because in the end it's all about making moving into your new home easy and comfortable. Plus, this also helps you take stock of your possessions, which be can fun and eye opening.

Label those boxes. Sometimes a thing just won't fit except in a box full of other stuff that it is in no way similar to. You'd never think of your hammer and tool set when you think of all your precious stuffed animals, but sometimes when moving that's the way things end up. In cases such as this, I suggest making a note of this on the outside of the box. Loosing things is never fun, and this leaves you with a clear indicator of what's where. I also think it's important to be specific with your labeling. Instead of writing "Kitchen," write "Bowls & Large Plates." This method doesn't leave you digging through the ten kitchen boxes just to have a bowl of cereal at the new pad.

Find 100% Free packing supplies. Usually when you tell people you're moving, they will have a box or two they can offer for your efforts. Sadly, the cardboard remnants of friends and family are hardly enough to contain your mass quantities of earthly goods. And with moving being expensive enough, it's doubtful that you're interested in dropping money for unassembled boxes from the moving business. Lucky for me, I live in an area where co-ops and natural food stores abound. And that means free, high quality, no strings attached boxes. Whenever you go shopping pick up an extra two or five of these lovely commodities and ask your friends to do the same. The boxes get a new take on life, and you get to move without throwing everything you own in plastic bags. As for packing material to keep your delicates safe from breaking and rattling, there is another easy solution. Someone you know, maybe it's even you, has a fat stack of old magazines that they don't want but are too lazy to get rid of. Seize this golden opportunity to keep your ceramic frogs and humorous shot glasses from disaster. If newspaper is more your style, you can always grab a stack or two of your local free print the night before a new issue comes out and pack your life guilt free!

Toss things you don't actually want or use. If you don't use something now, it's very unlikely that you'll use it in your new home. So, just get rid of it! You have a few options when it comes to clearing out your inventory for quality control. If it's busted or just no good, throw it in the garbage or take it to the recycling center. If it's in good condition but not particularly valuable, donate it to a local thrift shop or charity store. Also, consider who you might give it to who could use it or would like it as a gift. Finally, if you have something that you aren't using but think you could get some cash out of, try the pawn shop or consignment stores. Consignment shops all have specific rules about what sorts of clothes they will take and when, so it's best to give them a call up. Pawn shops are nice, because you can bring in what you have a get a quote on how much they'll pay you right away. And usually it's very reasonable. Consider taking in games, CDs, DVDs, jewelry, and the like.

Expectations for 03/14/10: Had a kickass Blackout Party.Completely moved into my new place: unpacked all the boxes, washed all the dishes, stocked the cupboards. Start Boston buffer. Test out webcam. Work on tank, calendar, and camera cushion projects. Finalize PAX packing list.

9. In The Moment

I excel at being organized. I like when everything has a place, and I like having a routine. I like when the books are categorized by subject and author. I like things that aren't too empty and aren't too cluttered. I love when rooms have symmetry and a visual beat. I like knowing what's going on later today and later this week, even if it's just playing SNES and eating cookies. I like planning, and I'm very good at it. But lately I've realized that there is a drawback to being ever so meticulous.

I have a bad habit of not being in the moment, and I know this is something I've had a problem with for awhile, though I only recently identified it as a problem. I have a pattern of getting so caught up thinking about what I'll be doing in a few hours or few months that I forget to stop and look at what's going on around me. I really want to relearn how to just be present. I get so caught up running around and around in my own head that I start to feel negative, and so often this can be fixed just by focusing on my breathing. I added thoughtful breathing to my list of resolutions for a few different reasons. I know it's better for my body, but it also helps slow down my racing mind. I really want to reclaim that childlike sense of wonder that I feel I've let go of lately.

I want to laugh at the silly face the guy in the car across from me is making. I want to luxuriate in the feeling of my skin beneath my own fingers. I want to smell the sky getting ready to open up and rain, and I want to guesstimate the hex code for this particular shade of old lady purple.

Reflections on February: I focused quite a bit of my energies on finding an apartment in February. This meant dredging through every local listing the internet has to offer and even unearthing a few neatly compiled lists of rental agencies and individuals. This also meant going to showings, filling out applications, and packing. All of my books and a large part of my decorations were packed up, and honestly there isn't much more to do until I know for sure if I have a place. On top of apartment hunting, I was also very active in the local XXX and nerd communities. I performed at an Imps party and had a blast, on and off stage. I also have a regular Hunters game set up, and I love the players, GM, and story. It's fantastic, and I'm looking forward to many, many more weeks of being a large, burly man. I applied to VegPorn and am still waiting to hear back. I have an account at Clips4Sale and am building up content. I have a crow in pieces, my tax refund, and an illustration of under Betty's hood. The only thing that didn't really pan out was crafting regularly, but I'm going to stick to it! To top off February, I got sick. :{ I pride myself in rarely getting sick, maybe seriously once a year, so at least I'm hoping this means I'm done with sick duty for the year. And speaking of duties, I got out of jury duty because of PAX! "How awesome is that?!" she interrobanged.

Expectations for 03/07/10: Have Boston/D.C. plans ironed out and settled. Have work buffered edited and uploaded. Read Chapters 1-4 of car care book. Finish and laminate Meph badge. Apartment?

Expectations for April: Be completely moved into and settled into my new home. Had my first handgun lesson and decided where to go from there. Submitted to I Shot Myself and Beautiful Agony. Completed and shared a craft a week! Read a good portion of car manual. Went to Boston and got my drink and my two step at PAX East! Focused on click and treating myself.

8. Eggs & Baskets

Don't put all your eggs in one basket! It's a silly saying, but the thought behind it makes sense. If you put everything you value in one person, place, thing, or idea there's a chance you could lose it all. It's a really strange thought to me, because I've always envisioned people in general as having one strong, solid foundation as the basis for their beliefs and actions. That base supports and strengthens their arguments and choices. But does it make more sense to have multiple foundations that lean on one another? It seems that if one of the pieces is faulty it's less likely to make the whole structure come tumbling down.

I feel like I'm a very driven individual and for the majority of my life I've had one specific goal in mind that I strive towards. I realized recently though that it might be better to start putting my emotional eggs in separate baskets, to make my foundation out of a few pieces rather than one large one. I've had more than one big turning point in my life where I realized that single goal I was working towards wasn't what I thought it was, and it's incredibly disappointing. It's hard to manage not only the grief of the loss but then the feeling of helplessness when I realized all my expectations were gone. My expectations help determine my motivation, and my motivation is what keeps me going about my daily business.

I try to make myself the foundation of everything that I do, which makes for a very fun circular problem during a crisis. But I think I can still make myself the overall foundation if I divide up different parts of myself to rely on. I'm focusing more on work, creativity, and travel in my life. If something is going wrong in one area, I always have the others to fall back on. I'm still having a hard time sorting out the problems of foundation and motivation and circular reasoning, but it's slowly starting to make more sense to me. Most importantly, I'm doing my best to put it all into practice!

Expectations for 02/28/10: Have five new photo sets up. Have three new videos up. Have March appointment with firearms gentleman. Draw and label Betty. Bead Cthulhu charm. Don't forget to knit!

7. My House, My Home

I'm am incredibly excited for my new apartment, and I'm looking forward to so many things about it. Some of them might seem mundane, but I've learned what it's like to live without them. There are definitely some little things that are actually quite big for me and even defining points of who I am! I consider my home an extension of myself, and if there's something amiss in my home I can always feel it. So I'm really happy to be moving forward in terms of housing, and I'm feeling ever so positive about it. I know what I want, and I know I can make it happen!

One of my biggest expectations for my home is to be able to express myself in it. I must be able to decorate everything from the walls to the windows to the floors. I have to show off my own art and art that inspires me. It's the place where I work and relax, and I want it to provide a space for both of those equally important activities. I also expect my home to be utilitarian. I love feathering my nest, but I really dislike excess. In my home, everything needs to have a place so that I can function without stressing out about little things. Most importantly, my home must accommodate me.

I plan on taking before and after pictures of the apartment, and I'm sure I'll post some of the after ones here. I'm also really looking forward to having a house warming party. I've never had one before, but I think it will be lots of fun and important too. I want my friends to feel welcome in my home, not to mention I like showing off my nest and having an excuse to play. All in all, I'm so excited for my new home, and I know it will be wonderful.

Expectations for 02/21/10: Have seven sets prepped. Have three crafts (charm, card, knit) finished and shared. Have five videos prepped. Make Betty cheat sheet. Know apartment situation!

6. Being Realistic

This week I didn't meet four out of the five goals that I set for myself, but it certainly wasn't for lack of trying! I was inspired by my goals, and I definitely wanted to get them done. I didn't slack off or spend all week having sex and playing video games. I just failed to set realistic goals for myself. I was incredibly busy this week, and I still feel physically and emotionally drained. I socialized, volunteered, collaborated, and communicated like a boss. I restarted a very complex relationship. I did important things like taking care of myself, and I made some very big decisions. I decided I'm ready for a new apartment, and I decided to go to PAX East. To top it all off, I've been having a very harsh period!

I think the only real flaw in the goal setting I did last week is that I didn't truly consider the upcoming week. If I had thought about it, I would have realized it wouldn't be feasible for me to make clips or photo sets this week. I'm usually pretty good at looking at the events on my calendar before I set goals, but I think it's also important that I start thinking about my body. Will I be on my period and feel tired? Did I just drive 12 hours and now feel like driving as little as possible? It's hard to anticipate what sort of mental state I'll be in, however I think it's a good idea to start thinking about where I'll be at emotionally. Will I be looking for more or less socialization in the coming week?

Above all, it's best that I learn to go with the flow. I set some goals, but I forgot to take myself into account before I made them. Oh, well! I'll make better ones next week and learn from my mistakes. But for now I just need to roll with it and listen to my heart and body for a little direction. After all, it's only the second week of the second month. I've already made huge strides in achieving my resolutions, and I'm starting to think I'll need to add even more on! So far, so good. And I can be content with that.

Expectations for 02/14/10: Have four Clips4Sale up. Have VegPorn set submitted. Finish Cthulhu car charm. Read more about Betty. Put on a kick ass Imps show. Pack up bookshelves. Clean and use my new clippers!

5. Self Therapy

While working on fulfilling my New Year's resolutions, I realize that I complete them in lots of different ways. Some are very tangible, like learning to cut my hair. Either I go at my hair and make it look like a bird's nest or I don't. Others are a little bit wider, like expanding my porn career. I don't want to expect anything outrageous, but at the same time I don't want to expect too little of myself. So, I figure I can pace it through the year and see what happens. I think the most abstract resolution is number ten. But even in the last week I feel like I've solidified what that means to me. I want to be able to be my own therapist, meaning I want to be able to untangle my feelings and express myself clearly and logically. Lately I feel like I've been successful with exactly that!

For me personally, I'm lucky when a problem shows up and declares itself a problem. In those cases, I can face it head on, state my emotions, respect them, and then work on the resolution. However, it seems more often than not my head takes time to catch up to my heart. I'll make a connection, and I might acknowledge it but not realize how important it is. Later, I'll start to feel sad or angry or just generally upset. Then I have to sit down and reason it all out. Usually I'll make a list of things that could be the source of my upset, and I think of how to solve each one. Sometimes it's as simple as being physically uncomfortable or not feeling rewarded for the day's events. But other times it's a major logical connection that I made, feel bad about, but somehow forgot to acknowledge. I'm happy that I know how this works, and I know ways of dealing with intense emotions. Writing things down does wonders, and while it's great to have another head to help untangle it all, even just some deep breaths can do good.

Reflecting on January 2010: I had an incredible time at FC, and I have lots of surreal pictures to prove it! I hit a milestone with SC, and I now feel comfortable with it as my major source of income. I feel like I know what's expected of me to earn this amount, and I know I can commit myself to it. I mostly set up appointments to see people in February, but I'm proud of being on top of things so much. The only thing that didn't really pan out was making the cabinet, but the alternative ended up being much cheaper. Plus, I'll still get to learn how to alter a piece of furniture!

Expectations for 02/07/10: Have Clips4Sale page populated. Have set for VegPorn. Have dead bird play date. Finished Cthulhu car charm. Read three chapters of car care book.

Expectations for March 2010: Had a kinky and creative V-Day. Gone to tons of groups and classes and picked my favorites. Applied to three new websites. Have crow bits separated. Have a diagram of Betty. Finished and shared five crafts.

4. Being Alone and Euphoric

While I like being in the company of family and good friends, I also relish the opportunity to be alone. I definitely have a certain amount of time each day that I like being solitary in, otherwise I can start to feel overwhelmed. I like being organised and introspective, and I think I do these best when I'm by myself. Then again, I don't necessarily have to be in isolation to be alone. I can be in a huge group of people and be alone. I found out this weekend at Further Confusion, that there are times when I'm with a ton of people and love feeling like I'm by myself among them.

Sometimes I feel like a relationship, not necessarily a romantic one, can be stifling. It can be hard to fully stretch your wings and taste everything the world has to offer. You want to compromise, because you want to be with the other person. But there are times when solitude is wonderful, because then you don't have to worry about the other person. I found that on the dance floor a lot of times other people will get all up in your business and try to make designs on you. Even if you just dance, you're hindered by their movements. I can't hop and jive and shimmy like I normally would if someone's right up on me. I felt truly euphoric when I danced by myself. I could feel the beat and move myself exactly how I wanted to, without any hindrances. Sometimes it's nice to dance with other people, and sometimes it's wonderful to dance alone.

Expectations for 01/31/10: Be totally set up with the local D&D group. Know the logistics for fall. Start reading up on my car. Have appointment for firearm lessons. Start cabinet construction.

3. Earthquake of 2010

The earthquake really rattled us, and I was lucky that nothing truly important was lost or broken. I had to pot a few plants and clean up some glass, but that was really the extent of my damage. I was so grateful that Mephistopheles and all my electronics were okay. But it really got me thinking about potential catastrophes and how I could prevent and prepare for them in the future. I've decided to secure all of my furniture to wall studs and use velcro straps to secure my monitor and fish tank. I'm also going to replace my desk with a custom cabinet that should not only be much more earthquake safe but also suit my current organization needs more efficiently.

While thinking about disasters, I also decided to prepare myself in two other ways. I'm going to start keeping a first aid kit (affectionately the Zombie Kit) in my car with everything I could need from band aids to water to a lint roller. Because I don't have any health or renter's insurance, I've also decided to put aside a set amount of money each month in a savings account. This will be useful not only in case of health or home apocalypse but also for routine dentist and doctor visits. And I like to think I'll grow old without any major disasters and have a nice chunk of change to go sky diving with!

Expectations for 01/24/10: Completely in the throes of a fabulous FC. Have at least one more shoot done. Be ready to start working on cabinet. Have a Bad Dragon toy in my possession.

2. Primary Relationship Needs

Here is the list of things that I need in a primary relationship. I noticed after writing it that love wasn't included, and I realized that I think of true love as having all of these needs met at once.

1. Trust. This is the foundation for any relationship I have, and it must be earned. It also includes honesty and accountability. I need my partner to own up to mistakes as well.

2. Respect.

3. Open Communication.

4. Reliability and responsibility.

5. Compatibility. This one contains a broad range of things, such as humor, interests, sex, space, and growth.

6. Thoughtfulness. My partner must acknowledge where I'm coming from. On top of that, I need someone who considers and responds to my feelings in the moment.

7. Collaboration. As much as I try, I can't make it work on my own!

8. Support. I include encouragement and appreciation in this category too. I have to know my partner is behind me and enjoys who I am and what I do.

9. Forgiveness.

10. Quality time and Romance. As much as I love day to day life, I would still much rather have one or two nights of time spent cuddling, talking, and being close than a whole week of routine and words exchanged that could've just as easily and effectively been communicated online or through text.

1. Birds & Porn

I'm so happy to have my Canon SX1 IS, and I've even managed to pay it off already. I feel like my skill level has already improved with the handful of Southern Charms sets and random photo taking I've done with it. I feel really creative with my porn, and I'm not worried about running out of set ideas any time soon. My Canon captures light wonderfully, and it's a great fit with my tripod. I know it'll work hard for me, and I hope to keep doing it justice. I'm completely in love with the sets Skin and Shoot Me. Skin has beautiful lighting, and I love the camera angle. I was able to keep it stationary while I changed my position, and I don't feel like that negatively affected the set at all. Shoot Me was wonderfully creative, and it gave me a new perspective on my relationship with my camera. I'm looking forward to more unique, photographic experiences.

Aside from porn, I also chose this particular model because the telescoping lens is great for birding. I got some really amazing shots in Carlotta, and I'm already able to identify the six species I saw. I'd like to make a bird album with 100 local species and slowly fill it up. This will be a fun project for after FC. I'm also really looking forward to becoming active in the Audubon society. Here are a couple of my favorite shots. They are a turkey vulture, a black phoebe, and two starlings.