Sometimes I feel like I'm cheapening a thing by doing something else instead. For instance, I was offered a job at the library, and even though I really want it and know it would be great in all aspects of my life, I still find myself justifying my porn as if people would think it's less important to me now that I have a "real" job. I love making porn, and it has helped me get to an amazing, solid, and independent place in my life. There are all sorts of reasons to take on the library job, none of which reflect negatively on my porn. The two are just different, and I love them both.
I know this is a reoccurring theme in my life just coming around in a different way, and I realize how it affects the way I think about relationships too. It's definitely something I struggle with, especially considering my elitist, sadistic philosophy. It's hard for me to look at things without the lens of better than/less than. I know I can quantify things as different without thinking of them as better or worse when compared, but there's still a tickle in the back of my head that wonders why one isn't better. Maybe if it worked on it's flaws or expanded or adopted some of the highlights of the "competition" it could rise a tier higher. But now it's obvious that I'm just talking about myself!
