I'm afraid of showing my unshaved underarms to some of my friends and to the general public. Even on hot days, I usually throw on a jacket or at least a light button up. I'm not afraid of people seeing my hairy legs, but I am afraid of them seeing my underarms. Arcata is usually where I feel most and ease and will sometimes go out with just a tank top on. But even then, I try to keep my elbows at my sides. Even around good friends I'll be sure to wear something that doesn't declare "I don't shave my underarms!" I'm afraid of what people will think of me. I'm afraid they'll judge me or not want to be my friend. But really, why should I be so afraid of the perception of the general public? I already look alternative, so why am I worried about one more step? Because I have been judged and mocked about not shaving, sometimes by the people who are closest to me and sometimes by my family. How do I get over this?
Another thing I'm very afraid of is sharing Tegan. I've never been mocked for having a little side, but there seems to be even more social pressure about age play. Even people in the kink community sometimes consider it edge play, and that makes me scared to think of the implications that the general public would put on something like 24-hour little-ness. I think it's probably easier because I'm female. I think the social pressure would be much, much harder on a male to wear cute clothes, act small, and carry around a stuffed animal. But that still doesn't help me! Ideally, I'd like to be able to take my little out into public. I'd like to be able to have my stuffed animal around when I know I might have a little situation. I don't want to be ashamed of this part of who I am. But at the same time, I'm afraid. I don't want people to assume things about me or make fun of me.
But really, couldn't they already do that? I had one woman I'd never met before try to degrade my charter school experience to make herself feel better about her own children. I made snide remarks about public school and what I "missed out on," but I got the feeling it all went over her head. I'm not afraid or ashamed of that aspect of myself, so why should I be afraid of a certain part of my body or psychology? People are going to think and act however they like, regardless of who I am. It's not my problem that a part of me triggers an insecurity in them. I think I just have to force myself to be bold. If someone is too mentally or emotionally weak to deal with who I am, then it's not my job to fix them or deal with them in any way.
It's the first day of summer, and I'm going to wear a tank top.
Achievements for 06/13/10: Went to Sacramento and San Francisco. Had the most amazing vegan banana split with homemade cashew whipped cream ever. Attended my first vegan cooking class. Really, really enjoyed and started to get more comfortable with my yoga class. Went to farmer's market and Oyster fest. Visited with a good friend and met a really cool house. Finished The Stand by Stephen King.
