13. Timeline & Accomplishments

Because I'm so bad about remembering what happened when, I'm going to start a timeline primarily to keep track of my education but also for big events and things that are special to me. I hope to update it periodically when I think of think of something or achieve something new!

13/2000: Started Independent Study

14/2001: Started High School

15/2002: UB - Started Community College - Dated D.

16/2003: UB - Broke up with D. - Dated Ka.

17/2004: Broke up with Ka. - Dated K. - Graduated High School - Moved to 18th

18/2005: Met Aereus - Graduated Community College

19/2006: Started University

20/2007: UB RA - PAX

21/2008: Moved to Cedar - FC - UB RA - Broke up with K. - Renaissance Fair - Moved to 8th - PAX - Art School - Dated J.

22/2009: FC - Academic Leave - Moved to H - Started on SC - PAX

23/2010: FC - Moved back to 18th - PAXEast - PAX - Graduated University

I realize last week that I didn't add any expectations for the week, and that got me to thinking about the expectations set up. I realized that even when I set my expectations lower than usual, things like moving and parties and relationships come up that disrupt my predictions. Then when I look back over my expectations for the week and realize I've only finished one or two, I don't feel accomplished at all. So, what I'm going to start doing now is writing accomplishments at the end of the week. I think that this will help boost my morale and give me a sense of achievement. I'm still going to do expectations for the month, because I like forecasting the next four weeks. Plus, I already write accomplishments at the end of the month!

Accomplishments for 03/21/10: Got tested! Traveled to Boston and went to PAXEast!

12. Face Your Fears

A couple weeks ago I had the opportunity to face one of my fears, and it was a very liberating experience. I felt incredibly confidant afterwards and realized that what I had been afraid of really wasn't scary at all! On top of that, I've been talking with a few different folks who have been facing their fears lately. It's amazing to see and hear about the changes people can make when they put their minds to it. It got me to thinking about things that I'm afraid of and what I can do to face those fears head on. Here's a list of some things that scare me and some steps I plan to take to get over them!

1. Riding a motorcycle.

Reason: I'm afraid of it suddenly going from vertical to horizontal and am terrified of leaning into curves, which naturally only makes it worse.

Solutions: I can start out riding with someone I trust in paved, secluded areas where I don't have to worry about traffic or stop signs. Once I feel comfortable with that, I'd eventually like to build up to being okay with driving a motorcycle through a town.

2. Having my veins touched.

Reason: It's an intense, irrational fear that was amplified when treated as a joke by a significant other.

Solutions: I can start by just looking at my veins for a set amount of time and slowly increase that time as I get more and more comfortable. I want to work up to touching my own veins, having someone else touch them, and finally having my wrists squeezed without it significantly affecting me.

3. Listening to the sound of metal scraping metal or teeth scraping metal.

Reason: The sound itself makes my teeth ache and makes me want to clench my jaw.

Solutions: I can positively reinforce myself whenever I hear the sound. To keep my teeth and jaw busy, I can chew gum or gummies that I like when I hear the sound so that I have a positive association.

4. Abandonment.

Reason: Family problems as a child and young adult.

Solutions: Because there's nothing I can do to change the actions of others, I need to work on improving my sense of self confidence and self worth. I want to work on being really secure with myself, so that when people do move out of my life I don't feel a deep, painful sense of abandonment. I can improve my confidence by thinking positively, focusing on my accomplishments rather than perfection, and remembering to move my body!

11. Altered States

I don't react like most people do to alcohol. On a scale of 1 to 10 I don't actually feel drunk until I reach a 7, and I don't act drunk until I hit a 9. It sort of creeps up on me, and that's one of the reasons why I wanted to write about the different stages of inebriation, how they affect my ability to give consent, my ability to remember, and how I act during these stages. I act very much in control and sober up to the point where I'm about to black out, which makes it difficult if not impossible for my friends to keep an eye on me when I'm drinking. I've also had problems in the past with acting incredibly lucid while still being more or less asleep, and this has created problems. I realize too that emotional and other kinds of physical stress alter my state of consciousness. So, here is my scale from 1 to 10 on states of altered consciousness. The ones italicized are the most important and most commonly used ones for when I've been drinking.

1. Fully functional. Not hindered in any way, will remember things normally, and able to give consent.

2. Slightly distracted. May be thinking about something else.

3. Not focused. Thinking or occupied by something else.

4. Feeling buzzed. Feels physically different but no change in inhibitions or demeanor. Able to give consent and remember.

5. Groggy. Just woke up from a nap or getting done with heavy emotional lifting. Memory and consent are fine but rattled and/or unfocused.

6. Borderline. Very emotionally or physically upset. Starting to lose memory and consent.

7. Drunk. Able to give some consent and remember some things. Acts normal and shows few if any signs of inebriation.

8. Not present. Little to no consent, only remembers flashes of actions or conversations, though seems entirely coherent. Includes falling asleep.

9. Seems intoxicated. Staggers, tells embarrassing stories, and generally loses all inhibitions. Not able to consent and remembers only a little. Includes waking up from being asleep.

10. Completely blacked out. Absolutely no consent, will remember next to nothing, though still able to respond and make requests. Includes being dead asleep.

So what can I do to ensure that I have a fun and safe time while drinking? I need to always remember to eat before or while I'm drinking, and I must be sure that I drink plenty of water. Otherwise, I can become intoxicated much faster than I would normally. Also, I can drink slowly so that I don't suddenly go from a four to a seven without expecting it. Finally, I can let the people around me know where I'm at. I can tell them that if I can't look them in the eye, I'm not giving consent, which is true for when I'm asleep but seemingly carrying on a conversation as well. My friends and I know the 1 to 10 scale, but I can talk to them about what that means for me personally. Most importantly, I can simply keep my friends up to date with a quick check-in so that they know from me where I'm at.

Expectations for 03/21/10: Have Boston buffer finished and uploaded. Do three webcam sessions. Be packed for PAX. Finish calendar and tank projects. Submit to Beautiful Agony.

10. Move It!

Pack early and often. You don't always know when you're going to move. Sometimes it's spontaneous, in the dead of night, and all within the span of 48 hours. These are the times when this rule doesn't apply. But typically you'll have some sort of time line in mind when you know you're going to move. In order to make the whole process significantly less dreadful, start packing NOW. There are plenty of things we don't use in our day-to-day lives. In fact, the vast majority of what we own we do not use on a regular basis. So, pack it up now. Set goals for yourself, such as packing two full boxes every night or having the car full of boxes by the end of the week. This all helps avoid the last minute rush and crunch that results in the tea cups, sex toys, and that sweater you never wear getting thrown in the same box, leaving you with what looks like a windstorm went through a junk shop when you unpack.

Pack like with like. This may seem obvious enough. When you're packing the bookshelf. It makes sense that you would keep putting books into the box until it's full rather than adding a book, a wrench, and the cat. But what about when it comes to more complex parts of the house and things that aren't necessarily grouped? I highly recommend taking inventory of your home and dividing it into sections. I tend to divide my living space by room or by the function of the items, such as cooking, sleeping, bathing, etc. And from there I narrow down each division into smaller categories that I assume will fit into a box or two. Clothes can be narrowed down to shoes, hang-up clothing, folded, and accessories. Use whatever system works for you, because in the end it's all about making moving into your new home easy and comfortable. Plus, this also helps you take stock of your possessions, which be can fun and eye opening.

Label those boxes. Sometimes a thing just won't fit except in a box full of other stuff that it is in no way similar to. You'd never think of your hammer and tool set when you think of all your precious stuffed animals, but sometimes when moving that's the way things end up. In cases such as this, I suggest making a note of this on the outside of the box. Loosing things is never fun, and this leaves you with a clear indicator of what's where. I also think it's important to be specific with your labeling. Instead of writing "Kitchen," write "Bowls & Large Plates." This method doesn't leave you digging through the ten kitchen boxes just to have a bowl of cereal at the new pad.

Find 100% Free packing supplies. Usually when you tell people you're moving, they will have a box or two they can offer for your efforts. Sadly, the cardboard remnants of friends and family are hardly enough to contain your mass quantities of earthly goods. And with moving being expensive enough, it's doubtful that you're interested in dropping money for unassembled boxes from the moving business. Lucky for me, I live in an area where co-ops and natural food stores abound. And that means free, high quality, no strings attached boxes. Whenever you go shopping pick up an extra two or five of these lovely commodities and ask your friends to do the same. The boxes get a new take on life, and you get to move without throwing everything you own in plastic bags. As for packing material to keep your delicates safe from breaking and rattling, there is another easy solution. Someone you know, maybe it's even you, has a fat stack of old magazines that they don't want but are too lazy to get rid of. Seize this golden opportunity to keep your ceramic frogs and humorous shot glasses from disaster. If newspaper is more your style, you can always grab a stack or two of your local free print the night before a new issue comes out and pack your life guilt free!

Toss things you don't actually want or use. If you don't use something now, it's very unlikely that you'll use it in your new home. So, just get rid of it! You have a few options when it comes to clearing out your inventory for quality control. If it's busted or just no good, throw it in the garbage or take it to the recycling center. If it's in good condition but not particularly valuable, donate it to a local thrift shop or charity store. Also, consider who you might give it to who could use it or would like it as a gift. Finally, if you have something that you aren't using but think you could get some cash out of, try the pawn shop or consignment stores. Consignment shops all have specific rules about what sorts of clothes they will take and when, so it's best to give them a call up. Pawn shops are nice, because you can bring in what you have a get a quote on how much they'll pay you right away. And usually it's very reasonable. Consider taking in games, CDs, DVDs, jewelry, and the like.

Expectations for 03/14/10: Had a kickass Blackout Party.Completely moved into my new place: unpacked all the boxes, washed all the dishes, stocked the cupboards. Start Boston buffer. Test out webcam. Work on tank, calendar, and camera cushion projects. Finalize PAX packing list.

9. In The Moment

I excel at being organized. I like when everything has a place, and I like having a routine. I like when the books are categorized by subject and author. I like things that aren't too empty and aren't too cluttered. I love when rooms have symmetry and a visual beat. I like knowing what's going on later today and later this week, even if it's just playing SNES and eating cookies. I like planning, and I'm very good at it. But lately I've realized that there is a drawback to being ever so meticulous.

I have a bad habit of not being in the moment, and I know this is something I've had a problem with for awhile, though I only recently identified it as a problem. I have a pattern of getting so caught up thinking about what I'll be doing in a few hours or few months that I forget to stop and look at what's going on around me. I really want to relearn how to just be present. I get so caught up running around and around in my own head that I start to feel negative, and so often this can be fixed just by focusing on my breathing. I added thoughtful breathing to my list of resolutions for a few different reasons. I know it's better for my body, but it also helps slow down my racing mind. I really want to reclaim that childlike sense of wonder that I feel I've let go of lately.

I want to laugh at the silly face the guy in the car across from me is making. I want to luxuriate in the feeling of my skin beneath my own fingers. I want to smell the sky getting ready to open up and rain, and I want to guesstimate the hex code for this particular shade of old lady purple.

Reflections on February: I focused quite a bit of my energies on finding an apartment in February. This meant dredging through every local listing the internet has to offer and even unearthing a few neatly compiled lists of rental agencies and individuals. This also meant going to showings, filling out applications, and packing. All of my books and a large part of my decorations were packed up, and honestly there isn't much more to do until I know for sure if I have a place. On top of apartment hunting, I was also very active in the local XXX and nerd communities. I performed at an Imps party and had a blast, on and off stage. I also have a regular Hunters game set up, and I love the players, GM, and story. It's fantastic, and I'm looking forward to many, many more weeks of being a large, burly man. I applied to VegPorn and am still waiting to hear back. I have an account at Clips4Sale and am building up content. I have a crow in pieces, my tax refund, and an illustration of under Betty's hood. The only thing that didn't really pan out was crafting regularly, but I'm going to stick to it! To top off February, I got sick. :{ I pride myself in rarely getting sick, maybe seriously once a year, so at least I'm hoping this means I'm done with sick duty for the year. And speaking of duties, I got out of jury duty because of PAX! "How awesome is that?!" she interrobanged.

Expectations for 03/07/10: Have Boston/D.C. plans ironed out and settled. Have work buffered edited and uploaded. Read Chapters 1-4 of car care book. Finish and laminate Meph badge. Apartment?

Expectations for April: Be completely moved into and settled into my new home. Had my first handgun lesson and decided where to go from there. Submitted to I Shot Myself and Beautiful Agony. Completed and shared a craft a week! Read a good portion of car manual. Went to Boston and got my drink and my two step at PAX East! Focused on click and treating myself.

8. Eggs & Baskets

Don't put all your eggs in one basket! It's a silly saying, but the thought behind it makes sense. If you put everything you value in one person, place, thing, or idea there's a chance you could lose it all. It's a really strange thought to me, because I've always envisioned people in general as having one strong, solid foundation as the basis for their beliefs and actions. That base supports and strengthens their arguments and choices. But does it make more sense to have multiple foundations that lean on one another? It seems that if one of the pieces is faulty it's less likely to make the whole structure come tumbling down.

I feel like I'm a very driven individual and for the majority of my life I've had one specific goal in mind that I strive towards. I realized recently though that it might be better to start putting my emotional eggs in separate baskets, to make my foundation out of a few pieces rather than one large one. I've had more than one big turning point in my life where I realized that single goal I was working towards wasn't what I thought it was, and it's incredibly disappointing. It's hard to manage not only the grief of the loss but then the feeling of helplessness when I realized all my expectations were gone. My expectations help determine my motivation, and my motivation is what keeps me going about my daily business.

I try to make myself the foundation of everything that I do, which makes for a very fun circular problem during a crisis. But I think I can still make myself the overall foundation if I divide up different parts of myself to rely on. I'm focusing more on work, creativity, and travel in my life. If something is going wrong in one area, I always have the others to fall back on. I'm still having a hard time sorting out the problems of foundation and motivation and circular reasoning, but it's slowly starting to make more sense to me. Most importantly, I'm doing my best to put it all into practice!

Expectations for 02/28/10: Have five new photo sets up. Have three new videos up. Have March appointment with firearms gentleman. Draw and label Betty. Bead Cthulhu charm. Don't forget to knit!

7. My House, My Home

I'm am incredibly excited for my new apartment, and I'm looking forward to so many things about it. Some of them might seem mundane, but I've learned what it's like to live without them. There are definitely some little things that are actually quite big for me and even defining points of who I am! I consider my home an extension of myself, and if there's something amiss in my home I can always feel it. So I'm really happy to be moving forward in terms of housing, and I'm feeling ever so positive about it. I know what I want, and I know I can make it happen!

One of my biggest expectations for my home is to be able to express myself in it. I must be able to decorate everything from the walls to the windows to the floors. I have to show off my own art and art that inspires me. It's the place where I work and relax, and I want it to provide a space for both of those equally important activities. I also expect my home to be utilitarian. I love feathering my nest, but I really dislike excess. In my home, everything needs to have a place so that I can function without stressing out about little things. Most importantly, my home must accommodate me.

I plan on taking before and after pictures of the apartment, and I'm sure I'll post some of the after ones here. I'm also really looking forward to having a house warming party. I've never had one before, but I think it will be lots of fun and important too. I want my friends to feel welcome in my home, not to mention I like showing off my nest and having an excuse to play. All in all, I'm so excited for my new home, and I know it will be wonderful.

Expectations for 02/21/10: Have seven sets prepped. Have three crafts (charm, card, knit) finished and shared. Have five videos prepped. Make Betty cheat sheet. Know apartment situation!

6. Being Realistic

This week I didn't meet four out of the five goals that I set for myself, but it certainly wasn't for lack of trying! I was inspired by my goals, and I definitely wanted to get them done. I didn't slack off or spend all week having sex and playing video games. I just failed to set realistic goals for myself. I was incredibly busy this week, and I still feel physically and emotionally drained. I socialized, volunteered, collaborated, and communicated like a boss. I restarted a very complex relationship. I did important things like taking care of myself, and I made some very big decisions. I decided I'm ready for a new apartment, and I decided to go to PAX East. To top it all off, I've been having a very harsh period!

I think the only real flaw in the goal setting I did last week is that I didn't truly consider the upcoming week. If I had thought about it, I would have realized it wouldn't be feasible for me to make clips or photo sets this week. I'm usually pretty good at looking at the events on my calendar before I set goals, but I think it's also important that I start thinking about my body. Will I be on my period and feel tired? Did I just drive 12 hours and now feel like driving as little as possible? It's hard to anticipate what sort of mental state I'll be in, however I think it's a good idea to start thinking about where I'll be at emotionally. Will I be looking for more or less socialization in the coming week?

Above all, it's best that I learn to go with the flow. I set some goals, but I forgot to take myself into account before I made them. Oh, well! I'll make better ones next week and learn from my mistakes. But for now I just need to roll with it and listen to my heart and body for a little direction. After all, it's only the second week of the second month. I've already made huge strides in achieving my resolutions, and I'm starting to think I'll need to add even more on! So far, so good. And I can be content with that.

Expectations for 02/14/10: Have four Clips4Sale up. Have VegPorn set submitted. Finish Cthulhu car charm. Read more about Betty. Put on a kick ass Imps show. Pack up bookshelves. Clean and use my new clippers!

5. Self Therapy

While working on fulfilling my New Year's resolutions, I realize that I complete them in lots of different ways. Some are very tangible, like learning to cut my hair. Either I go at my hair and make it look like a bird's nest or I don't. Others are a little bit wider, like expanding my porn career. I don't want to expect anything outrageous, but at the same time I don't want to expect too little of myself. So, I figure I can pace it through the year and see what happens. I think the most abstract resolution is number ten. But even in the last week I feel like I've solidified what that means to me. I want to be able to be my own therapist, meaning I want to be able to untangle my feelings and express myself clearly and logically. Lately I feel like I've been successful with exactly that!

For me personally, I'm lucky when a problem shows up and declares itself a problem. In those cases, I can face it head on, state my emotions, respect them, and then work on the resolution. However, it seems more often than not my head takes time to catch up to my heart. I'll make a connection, and I might acknowledge it but not realize how important it is. Later, I'll start to feel sad or angry or just generally upset. Then I have to sit down and reason it all out. Usually I'll make a list of things that could be the source of my upset, and I think of how to solve each one. Sometimes it's as simple as being physically uncomfortable or not feeling rewarded for the day's events. But other times it's a major logical connection that I made, feel bad about, but somehow forgot to acknowledge. I'm happy that I know how this works, and I know ways of dealing with intense emotions. Writing things down does wonders, and while it's great to have another head to help untangle it all, even just some deep breaths can do good.

Reflecting on January 2010: I had an incredible time at FC, and I have lots of surreal pictures to prove it! I hit a milestone with SC, and I now feel comfortable with it as my major source of income. I feel like I know what's expected of me to earn this amount, and I know I can commit myself to it. I mostly set up appointments to see people in February, but I'm proud of being on top of things so much. The only thing that didn't really pan out was making the cabinet, but the alternative ended up being much cheaper. Plus, I'll still get to learn how to alter a piece of furniture!

Expectations for 02/07/10: Have Clips4Sale page populated. Have set for VegPorn. Have dead bird play date. Finished Cthulhu car charm. Read three chapters of car care book.

Expectations for March 2010: Had a kinky and creative V-Day. Gone to tons of groups and classes and picked my favorites. Applied to three new websites. Have crow bits separated. Have a diagram of Betty. Finished and shared five crafts.

4. Being Alone and Euphoric

While I like being in the company of family and good friends, I also relish the opportunity to be alone. I definitely have a certain amount of time each day that I like being solitary in, otherwise I can start to feel overwhelmed. I like being organised and introspective, and I think I do these best when I'm by myself. Then again, I don't necessarily have to be in isolation to be alone. I can be in a huge group of people and be alone. I found out this weekend at Further Confusion, that there are times when I'm with a ton of people and love feeling like I'm by myself among them.

Sometimes I feel like a relationship, not necessarily a romantic one, can be stifling. It can be hard to fully stretch your wings and taste everything the world has to offer. You want to compromise, because you want to be with the other person. But there are times when solitude is wonderful, because then you don't have to worry about the other person. I found that on the dance floor a lot of times other people will get all up in your business and try to make designs on you. Even if you just dance, you're hindered by their movements. I can't hop and jive and shimmy like I normally would if someone's right up on me. I felt truly euphoric when I danced by myself. I could feel the beat and move myself exactly how I wanted to, without any hindrances. Sometimes it's nice to dance with other people, and sometimes it's wonderful to dance alone.

Expectations for 01/31/10: Be totally set up with the local D&D group. Know the logistics for fall. Start reading up on my car. Have appointment for firearm lessons. Start cabinet construction.