19. Aberration

"...The truth is a big fat nasty glowing monster waiting to devour me. Only that this monster is actually me... Remind myself to not give up to this monster."

I described my cycle of negative thoughts as a hydra the other day, and the idea stuck. They're very cyclical to begin with, but then when I feel like I've corrected one aspect and go onto the next, the part I thought I was finished with rears its head again. Typically it goes something along the lines of, "I don't trust this person, because I think they might abandon me or otherwise abuse my trust. But why would they do that? Because I'm not good enough to be loved." I realized the whole reason I wanted to go into counseling is because of that train of thought, because of that hydra. I can say I'm not good enough to fix something, and I don't want to be. But that's only one neck of the problem and isn't enough to solve it. So what about the other two?

Trust, at least in myself, is something I've been working on in leaps and bounds this last week. I feel incredibly puffed up and proud about how I handled a few key situations, and I'm believing in myself again and getting that cocky look back in my eyes. I think that trusting in other people will be a combination of time and establishing different boundaries for different people. What am I willing to give to another person? And what emotional investment am I willing to place in whatever I've handed over to them? I don't know that fear of abandonment has a solution. It was suggested to me that maybe it's just something that takes time. Maybe I need to have more life experiences. Maybe I need someone to show me that I'm good enough. But I strongly dislike the idea of that. It feeds back into my not wanting to trust people. I certainly don't want to have to rely on another person to give me a life experience that I really want and believe I need! Then again, maybe there just isn't a solution. Maybe this isn't a "problem" in the way that I've been looking at it. Maybe this is something that doesn't need to be "fixed." Maybe it's just me.

I don't like the idea of this just being a part of me, and I equally don't like the idea of needing other people. But, surprisingly enough, I have to have it. Oh, look! Here's the human condition that I need to acknowledge but keep frowning at and continually try to sweep under the rug. Believe it or not, I don't think that's going to help anything. With a big sigh and grumbling under my breath I need to say that I need other people. Of course I realize this is true in the bigger sense. I need the postman to take my mail, I need the grocer to stock my favorite cereal, and I need the mechanic to check my oil. But more than that I need real, close human contact. And not just family. And not just friends. I want someone close to me. I want a physical, emotional, and mental connection with another human being. And in all honesty, this is incredibly hard for me to say!

I feel like saying that I want this connection in my life means that I'm saying I need it. I know that isn't true, but I'm terrified of getting anywhere near that ledge where the drop off leads down to a pit of Cosmo and constant phone checking and obsessing over appearance and exuding desperation around prospective mates. I also feel like this is turning my back on the sacred thing that is my solo space. If not for my strict physical, financial, and emotional independence, I wouldn't have learned all these intricate things about myself! I wouldn't have stability or safety. And most importantly, I wouldn't have peace of mind. I enjoy my alone time immensely, and I feel as though when I say I want a special person in my life, I'm saying I'm willing to throw my solo lifestyle out the window. And maybe that's just because I've never actually had a relationship that didn't ultimately compromise my lifestyle in a drastic way. And maybe it's because I live in a culture that obsesses over white picket fence scenarios. And maybe it's just because I don't know any other person who lives the way I do.

So, maybe I'm not broken after all. Maybe the hydra is just an energy that I need to recognize and respect before turning that energy into something good and productive. Maybe it's just me. But, naturally, that doesn't mean I won't constantly strive to improve myself!

Reflections on April: April was a very busy month with all sorts of exciting time with friends new and old. I spent a lot of time with the sex positive community by attending the Sexland Expo, going to the munch, and volunteering for two shifts at the Imps event. And even though our Hunters game was pushed back to the end of the semester, I still enjoyed the sessions we did have and found other ways to nerd out with friends. I registered for the fall semester and thereby cemented my plans for the latter half of the year. I also signed up for a new cam site and am enjoying all the traffic and variety of clients. Not to mention I cut and buzzed my own hair with great success for the first time and invested in a Feeldoe too! I took a salsa class that inspired me to get back into dancing, and I completely cured the wretched cough that followed me home from PAX! I dealt with website problems on the administrator side and made appointments to shoot with new and professional folks. Overall, not a bad month!

Expectations for May: Take an acting class. Go to dance class three times per week. Crap pants about the finale of Lost. Earn enough money for a sewing machine. Get on a regular-ish cam schedule. Finish organization & craft projects.

Achievements for 05/02/10: Went to the munch. Shot three sets with fellow charms. Shot two 45 minute videos with MT. Visited with new groups of folks. Celebrated Mother's Day early with my mom and grandma. Learned how to play spoons.

18. What About Tegan

I don't often talk about my interest in ageplay or, specifically, the little that I identify with. There are quite a few reasons why I shy away from this topic, not least of which is that ageplay is sometimes considered a form of edgeplay. It's often wrongly associated with pedophilia or d/l. Like being furry, it has a bad reputation that it's slowly growing out of. But more than the usual social misconceptions, I'm also feel that I'm unusual in my ageplay wants. There is zero sexuality to my little, and I want to keep it that way. There's also no physical punishment or discipline in my ideal arrangement. So what does Tegan want?

I've been waffling over this next paragraph for the last hour, because honestly I'm not accustomed to talking about Tegan. I'm worried about what other people will think, and even more so I'm worried about people having an interest in being a part of Tegan's life. In the past, I've had a few prospective Daddies lined up, but for whatever reason things didn't work out. This just served to upset and disappoint my little. So, I keep her more and more guarded. But really, the purpose of this is to express her publicly, and I'll do my best to dive in now that I've explained a little more.

Tegan is about six or seven years old and loves to play. She likes playing with stuffed animals, building blocks, and play wrestling with bigger kids. She adores interactions with older kids and loves having books read to her, being cuddled, taking naps, having a snack, and watching movies together. When alone, she enjoys coloring and jumping on the bed. What she craves most of all is having a big, or even a middle, to take her places. She wants to go to the zoo, the park, have ice cream, go swimming, and do all the other things littles get to do with their guardians. I still hold out hope to find a person or persons to play with and protect Tegan, but until then I'm working on keeping her content in a solitary space and being more public. So, ask me about my inner kid.

Accomplishments for 04/25/10: Made appointments to shoot with MT, CD, and SC girls. Attended a beautiful wedding. Made plans with friends. Did some great custom work and tinkered with movie magic. Tried a few new recipes. Dealt with website silliness.

17. Smells Like Breakthrough

I was really happy this past Wednesday when I leveled up with the help of my counselor. We were discussing my "not good enough" complex and how it relates to some of my relationships with other people. I realized that it all boiled down to not feeling like I was good enough to be loved. I could point to lots of instances when I was younger when I felt like that sentiment was being expressed to me, and I never really got over it. So, naturally, I ended up dragging that feeling into my adult life and into my friendships and intimate relationships. I realized that I was reading things into what people were saying and that it was only valid insofar as it was my own complex rearing its ugly head.

My counselor and I were talking about how I didn't feel like I was good enough to fix relationships and other peoples problems. I told him about one relationship in particular, and he basically said that I wasn't good enough to fix it... and neither was anyone else! This made something click in my head, and I realized what he said was true. I felt incredibly uplifted by the realization that there are times when I am not good enough to fix someone or something... and I don't want to be! I felt like this allowed me to shift the power of the situation and put control back in my hands. I can now own the way I feel without feeling helpless. I knew before that there were plenty of situations that I didn't want to deal with, because they weren't my problem or I didn't feel it was my job to fix them. Now I can extend this further and say that even if these are my problems, I'm just not good enough to fix them. So, I get to let them go!

I've been working more on my trust issue lately and focusing on why I don't feel like I trust myself. I realize I've made mistakes in the past, and I know that there are situations I could have handled better. But I realize what went wrong, and I feel I did my best given the circumstances. Still, I want to improve on this in the future. Specifically, I'm worried about letting people disrespect me and, in essence, walk all over me. I realized that when I love another person, I near enough let them get away with murder. I can't let myself do that, because it's incredibly detrimental to me! But people in my family have done some nasty things to me, and I still love them... so how do I reconcile that? I think by setting boundaries.

I don't believe in unconditional love, because I think that cheapens and destroys the meaning of love itself. I feel that love needs to be earned, even though I realize for myself that I don't have a lot of control over that emotion. I know I don't get to decide who I do and don't fall in love with, but I do get to decide how I act towards them. I know I can have love for someone without showing it to them or showing it to them without the confines of my established boundaries. Tegan and Sara say you need to walk out if they drag you down, and I know I need to adhere to that. Just because you love someone and they love you back doesn't give them the right to abuse your love. So make some boundaries and stick to them!

Achievements for 04/18/10: Took a salsa class and had a blast! Joined a new cam site. Did some big organization projects. Ate a whole loaf of Cookhouse bread. Got fresh flowers for the house. Sold my mini fridge. DIY fixed my cough. Went to my first prom and helped out on staff.

16. Healing & Personal Energy

Over the last week, I've been thinking a lot about different methods of healing. I'm currently seeing a therapist through HSU's Psychology department's master's counseling program, and I'm really looking forward to working through issues of not being "good enough" and trust with another individual to help guide and support me. These two big emotional knots are something I really want to work through for a variety of reasons, and one of these reasons is just so I can heal emotionally and move forward without that baggage.

I've also really wanted to heal physically in terms of making sure I'm having well balanced meals and moving my body in a variety of ways, but because I've been sick I only get to focus on drinking lots of water, tea, resting, and minimizing all forms of stress. I'm really looking forward to being well again so that I can dance, sing, stretch, and play without having to worry about a nasty cough or side pains. They're just no fun!

I talked to my massage therapist recently about the different ways that touch, massage specifically, can be very healing for a person. He emphasized the importance of the person giving the massage being able to handle the energy of the other person. This reminded me of how I'm very sensitive to the energy of other people. If they're wound up and excited, I get the same way. If they're calm and laid back so am I.

In my life, I've definitely had to work through big pitfalls in my own energy. I had extreme anxiety problems for a few years of my life, and I had to learn to let go of all that nervous tension and be calm. I also suffered through intense depression and had to learn to honor myself and refocus that negative energy into creativity. I am an absurdly passionate person, and I realize that I have to be mindful of where that passion is going.

Lately I've realized that a ton of my emotional and psychological energy has been fed into a black hole. It goes no where which upsets me, and then I just end up being negative! I've given it away without really thinking about it, and it's time for me to reclaim it for myself. I owe it to myself to not just give away that passion. I'm very excited to see all the things I can do and be when my time, love, and energy are my own!

Achievements for 04/11/10: Met with an old friend. Got a massage. Started counseling. Met some incredible new people to work with. Cammed more than I probably should have! Visited with good friends.

15. One Body, Many Lives

I recently heard the sentiment, "We have one body but many lives." Naturally I've heard the idea that we have one soul or life that hops around from body to body when we die. That notion has never really resonated with me, except when I'm completely out of my head. There are times when I feel like I am the "watcher." I pull out of my body and head and look down on myself. I'm completely at a loss when I look in the mirror. Or I feel a lonesome tugging on my soul that I can't explain or even put my finger on. These are the few times when I have felt that there was something more, but again it's something I don't feel I can truly talk about. It's just there, and occasionally I notice it.

The idea of having one body and many lives, however, truly resonates with me. I've noticed lately that my heart and head have been putting a big emphasis on the fact that I have only one body and that I get to ride this ride with it only once. I'm not sure why, but it has influenced my health practices overall. And for this I'm very grateful. I want to become even better at worshiping and empowering my body. My sexual health is fabulous, and my eating habits are getting better every day. I need to work on a better meal schedule and remember to move my body more, and I'm definitely getting to a place where I can work on both of those goals. I'm also doing a great job of keeping my stress levels low and dealing with stress and hardship in incredibly productive ways. I am very proud of myself, and I feel like I'm cresting the hill to a new life in this body.

I don't know why it never struck me before, but I adore the notion of rebirth in my body. When I look back over my life, I can see important points where I was essentially reborn in fire. Critical times in my life caused me to radically change how I looked at the world and myself. And there are other times when it I can see the slow and steady progress it took. I like examining my past lives and respecting how they helped to get me where I am now. I like to know that each day is an opportunity for me to improve or live a different life completely. That sense of self control is very refreshing.

Accomplishments for 04/04/10: Registered for fall classes. Socialized like a boss with nerds and pervs. Went to Kneeland. Got SC and work life back on track. Tried two new recipes. Had Easter with the family.

14. Journaling & Heavy Lifting

I've been working with some pretty heavy emotional lifting lately, and I've noticed that journaling has really helped me in a wide variety of ways. First off, it gives me someone to talk to who I can trust completely. I can rage or be sad or be totally crazy, and the only important thing is that I get it off my chest. I don't have to worry about offending or upsetting anyone with a journal. It's really liberating to know that I can pour my heart out without judgement. Once that's out of the way, I can really get down to the meat of the subject. Journaling has helped me unravel my feelings and look at things in different and constructive ways. I like being able to take a variety of different viewpoints and still be able to look back at where I started. Probably one of the best things about journaling is that it really helps me to focus on solutions. At the end of my entry, I always make a list of things that I've realized or want to accomplish. It's great being able to open up emotionally, work through my thoughts, and feel like I come out with something really constructive.

Lately, I've been working on two really big challenges of mine: trust and feeling like I'm "good enough." These are both issues that I have a history with and working with them is very difficult for me. Trust is especially hard, because I feel like I have to trust someone in order to open up emotionally to them. But how do I trust someone in the first place? Over the past year, I've had my trust broken by people I've been very close to and also by acquaintances. I see in myself just how much I've clammed up, and quite frankly I'm scared of opening back up. A good friend told me that I always seem very composed and in control of my appearances. I do feel in control, but I want to be able to open up. I want to express my inner little kid, and I want to be happy and exaggerated. But I'm just not sure how to go about restructuring my heart and head to make that feasible. I keep imagining my heart is like an egg, and I'm too scared to let anyone else hold it for fear they might drop it. Maybe I need to reinforce that egg? It's definitely a work in progress.

Accomplishments for 03/28/10: Got vaccinated! Dealt with explosive luggage. Supported the local sex positive and GLBTQQI community. Invested in the best sex toy in the whole universe. Cut and dyed my hair.

13. Timeline & Accomplishments

Because I'm so bad about remembering what happened when, I'm going to start a timeline primarily to keep track of my education but also for big events and things that are special to me. I hope to update it periodically when I think of think of something or achieve something new!

13/2000: Started Independent Study

14/2001: Started High School

15/2002: UB - Started Community College - Dated D.

16/2003: UB - Broke up with D. - Dated Ka.

17/2004: Broke up with Ka. - Dated K. - Graduated High School - Moved to 18th

18/2005: Met Aereus - Graduated Community College

19/2006: Started University

20/2007: UB RA - PAX

21/2008: Moved to Cedar - FC - UB RA - Broke up with K. - Renaissance Fair - Moved to 8th - PAX - Art School - Dated J.

22/2009: FC - Academic Leave - Moved to H - Started on SC - PAX

23/2010: FC - Moved back to 18th - PAXEast - PAX - Graduated University

I realize last week that I didn't add any expectations for the week, and that got me to thinking about the expectations set up. I realized that even when I set my expectations lower than usual, things like moving and parties and relationships come up that disrupt my predictions. Then when I look back over my expectations for the week and realize I've only finished one or two, I don't feel accomplished at all. So, what I'm going to start doing now is writing accomplishments at the end of the week. I think that this will help boost my morale and give me a sense of achievement. I'm still going to do expectations for the month, because I like forecasting the next four weeks. Plus, I already write accomplishments at the end of the month!

Accomplishments for 03/21/10: Got tested! Traveled to Boston and went to PAXEast!

12. Face Your Fears

A couple weeks ago I had the opportunity to face one of my fears, and it was a very liberating experience. I felt incredibly confidant afterwards and realized that what I had been afraid of really wasn't scary at all! On top of that, I've been talking with a few different folks who have been facing their fears lately. It's amazing to see and hear about the changes people can make when they put their minds to it. It got me to thinking about things that I'm afraid of and what I can do to face those fears head on. Here's a list of some things that scare me and some steps I plan to take to get over them!

1. Riding a motorcycle.

Reason: I'm afraid of it suddenly going from vertical to horizontal and am terrified of leaning into curves, which naturally only makes it worse.

Solutions: I can start out riding with someone I trust in paved, secluded areas where I don't have to worry about traffic or stop signs. Once I feel comfortable with that, I'd eventually like to build up to being okay with driving a motorcycle through a town.

2. Having my veins touched.

Reason: It's an intense, irrational fear that was amplified when treated as a joke by a significant other.

Solutions: I can start by just looking at my veins for a set amount of time and slowly increase that time as I get more and more comfortable. I want to work up to touching my own veins, having someone else touch them, and finally having my wrists squeezed without it significantly affecting me.

3. Listening to the sound of metal scraping metal or teeth scraping metal.

Reason: The sound itself makes my teeth ache and makes me want to clench my jaw.

Solutions: I can positively reinforce myself whenever I hear the sound. To keep my teeth and jaw busy, I can chew gum or gummies that I like when I hear the sound so that I have a positive association.

4. Abandonment.

Reason: Family problems as a child and young adult.

Solutions: Because there's nothing I can do to change the actions of others, I need to work on improving my sense of self confidence and self worth. I want to work on being really secure with myself, so that when people do move out of my life I don't feel a deep, painful sense of abandonment. I can improve my confidence by thinking positively, focusing on my accomplishments rather than perfection, and remembering to move my body!

11. Altered States

I don't react like most people do to alcohol. On a scale of 1 to 10 I don't actually feel drunk until I reach a 7, and I don't act drunk until I hit a 9. It sort of creeps up on me, and that's one of the reasons why I wanted to write about the different stages of inebriation, how they affect my ability to give consent, my ability to remember, and how I act during these stages. I act very much in control and sober up to the point where I'm about to black out, which makes it difficult if not impossible for my friends to keep an eye on me when I'm drinking. I've also had problems in the past with acting incredibly lucid while still being more or less asleep, and this has created problems. I realize too that emotional and other kinds of physical stress alter my state of consciousness. So, here is my scale from 1 to 10 on states of altered consciousness. The ones italicized are the most important and most commonly used ones for when I've been drinking.

1. Fully functional. Not hindered in any way, will remember things normally, and able to give consent.

2. Slightly distracted. May be thinking about something else.

3. Not focused. Thinking or occupied by something else.

4. Feeling buzzed. Feels physically different but no change in inhibitions or demeanor. Able to give consent and remember.

5. Groggy. Just woke up from a nap or getting done with heavy emotional lifting. Memory and consent are fine but rattled and/or unfocused.

6. Borderline. Very emotionally or physically upset. Starting to lose memory and consent.

7. Drunk. Able to give some consent and remember some things. Acts normal and shows few if any signs of inebriation.

8. Not present. Little to no consent, only remembers flashes of actions or conversations, though seems entirely coherent. Includes falling asleep.

9. Seems intoxicated. Staggers, tells embarrassing stories, and generally loses all inhibitions. Not able to consent and remembers only a little. Includes waking up from being asleep.

10. Completely blacked out. Absolutely no consent, will remember next to nothing, though still able to respond and make requests. Includes being dead asleep.

So what can I do to ensure that I have a fun and safe time while drinking? I need to always remember to eat before or while I'm drinking, and I must be sure that I drink plenty of water. Otherwise, I can become intoxicated much faster than I would normally. Also, I can drink slowly so that I don't suddenly go from a four to a seven without expecting it. Finally, I can let the people around me know where I'm at. I can tell them that if I can't look them in the eye, I'm not giving consent, which is true for when I'm asleep but seemingly carrying on a conversation as well. My friends and I know the 1 to 10 scale, but I can talk to them about what that means for me personally. Most importantly, I can simply keep my friends up to date with a quick check-in so that they know from me where I'm at.

Expectations for 03/21/10: Have Boston buffer finished and uploaded. Do three webcam sessions. Be packed for PAX. Finish calendar and tank projects. Submit to Beautiful Agony.

10. Move It!

Pack early and often. You don't always know when you're going to move. Sometimes it's spontaneous, in the dead of night, and all within the span of 48 hours. These are the times when this rule doesn't apply. But typically you'll have some sort of time line in mind when you know you're going to move. In order to make the whole process significantly less dreadful, start packing NOW. There are plenty of things we don't use in our day-to-day lives. In fact, the vast majority of what we own we do not use on a regular basis. So, pack it up now. Set goals for yourself, such as packing two full boxes every night or having the car full of boxes by the end of the week. This all helps avoid the last minute rush and crunch that results in the tea cups, sex toys, and that sweater you never wear getting thrown in the same box, leaving you with what looks like a windstorm went through a junk shop when you unpack.

Pack like with like. This may seem obvious enough. When you're packing the bookshelf. It makes sense that you would keep putting books into the box until it's full rather than adding a book, a wrench, and the cat. But what about when it comes to more complex parts of the house and things that aren't necessarily grouped? I highly recommend taking inventory of your home and dividing it into sections. I tend to divide my living space by room or by the function of the items, such as cooking, sleeping, bathing, etc. And from there I narrow down each division into smaller categories that I assume will fit into a box or two. Clothes can be narrowed down to shoes, hang-up clothing, folded, and accessories. Use whatever system works for you, because in the end it's all about making moving into your new home easy and comfortable. Plus, this also helps you take stock of your possessions, which be can fun and eye opening.

Label those boxes. Sometimes a thing just won't fit except in a box full of other stuff that it is in no way similar to. You'd never think of your hammer and tool set when you think of all your precious stuffed animals, but sometimes when moving that's the way things end up. In cases such as this, I suggest making a note of this on the outside of the box. Loosing things is never fun, and this leaves you with a clear indicator of what's where. I also think it's important to be specific with your labeling. Instead of writing "Kitchen," write "Bowls & Large Plates." This method doesn't leave you digging through the ten kitchen boxes just to have a bowl of cereal at the new pad.

Find 100% Free packing supplies. Usually when you tell people you're moving, they will have a box or two they can offer for your efforts. Sadly, the cardboard remnants of friends and family are hardly enough to contain your mass quantities of earthly goods. And with moving being expensive enough, it's doubtful that you're interested in dropping money for unassembled boxes from the moving business. Lucky for me, I live in an area where co-ops and natural food stores abound. And that means free, high quality, no strings attached boxes. Whenever you go shopping pick up an extra two or five of these lovely commodities and ask your friends to do the same. The boxes get a new take on life, and you get to move without throwing everything you own in plastic bags. As for packing material to keep your delicates safe from breaking and rattling, there is another easy solution. Someone you know, maybe it's even you, has a fat stack of old magazines that they don't want but are too lazy to get rid of. Seize this golden opportunity to keep your ceramic frogs and humorous shot glasses from disaster. If newspaper is more your style, you can always grab a stack or two of your local free print the night before a new issue comes out and pack your life guilt free!

Toss things you don't actually want or use. If you don't use something now, it's very unlikely that you'll use it in your new home. So, just get rid of it! You have a few options when it comes to clearing out your inventory for quality control. If it's busted or just no good, throw it in the garbage or take it to the recycling center. If it's in good condition but not particularly valuable, donate it to a local thrift shop or charity store. Also, consider who you might give it to who could use it or would like it as a gift. Finally, if you have something that you aren't using but think you could get some cash out of, try the pawn shop or consignment stores. Consignment shops all have specific rules about what sorts of clothes they will take and when, so it's best to give them a call up. Pawn shops are nice, because you can bring in what you have a get a quote on how much they'll pay you right away. And usually it's very reasonable. Consider taking in games, CDs, DVDs, jewelry, and the like.

Expectations for 03/14/10: Had a kickass Blackout Party.Completely moved into my new place: unpacked all the boxes, washed all the dishes, stocked the cupboards. Start Boston buffer. Test out webcam. Work on tank, calendar, and camera cushion projects. Finalize PAX packing list.