36. Color & Composition

Achievements for 09/05/10: Dealt with a series of unfortunate events like a boss. Cracked my spine back into health. Opened up to the family. Asked for help. Got my ducks in a row.

28. The Mirror Effect

The other day I was doing a little introspection and thought I'd see what the internet had to say about that. I was surprised when I came across a succinct little list of "Ways to Get to Know Yourself Better." Overall, it was very well thought out and written, but one particular point was original to me and really hit home. It basically said that when you see a behavior in another person that really irritates or upsets you, consider that it may be a behavior that you yourself engage in and are upset about. This idea struck me as very true, and I was able to look over some situations that bothered me and identify how I was angry because I felt like I was looking in a mirror when looking at the other person's behavior.

One good example of this is that I often feel irritated when I think that someone is wasting their time. I've caught myself thinking that people would be better off partying or slacking off less and focusing more on the important things in life. But when I turn that around and look at myself, I realize that I'm terrified of wasting my time. Why? Because I do waste my time. I often escape from big, worrying thoughts or problems that can't be fixed (read: important things in life) by watching movies or shows. I learned this from my Mom, and it's a very effective and sometimes necessary means of letting go of reality for awhile and immersing myself rationally and emotionally in a pretend universe. But I'm afraid that I do it too often. I'm afraid that instead of unraveling my thought process or doing the dishes, I'm watching the making of the Lord of the Rings. Granted, sometimes it's nice to have voices in the background or to watch something curious and engaging or to just escape from a tiring day. But I don't want to do it to the extent that it overwhelms other, more important, parts of my life.

Another thing that often upsets me is when folks don't respond to my calls or texts in an ungodly prompt fashion. I start to think that they don't like me or that something has happened or that they fell off a bridge and found an underwater kingdom where their phone somehow worked but they decided not to call me because they thought I'd feel awkward hanging out with semi-cannibalistic mer-folk.

When I use the person as a reflection, I see that I sometimes will not respond to calls or messages when I dislike or feel awkward around another person. I know there are some other issues revolving around respecting and understanding other people, but as it relates to the mirror effect, I see how I feel disappointed in myself for avoiding people rather than just coming out and being honest about my feelings. It's scary, not to mention unusual, for people to be that frank, and in a lot of cases I don't have anyone to look to for guidance in this. But I think just realizing that being irritated when people aren't crazy prompt is just me reflecting how I feel upset for not being more forward. In some cases, I believe it is just best to let things go. But I know I need to learn to be more respectful and honest with other people, regardless of any feelings I do or don't have concerning them. I know that it would be better for everyone involved to be clear on the situation, and I'm hoping it will help clear my conscious and ease my phone related irritability.

27. Taking Responsibility

I notice that I don't always take responsibility for things that happen in my life, and I want to change that. Sometimes I blame other people for the way that things turn out, or I put the responsibility of the situation on other another person. I'm also bad about, when I finally do take control of events, whining about it not being fair that I have to "be the adult." On the one hand, I can sympathize that it's nice when other folks take initiative. However, the bottom line is that I need to take responsibility for the actions and decisions in my life. If I want something to change, I need to make that change, rather than placing blame or being whiny.

I feel like taking responsibility is very closely related to "owning up." In some ways, I'm very good at this. I will flat out say if I don't understand something or if I don't know what something means. I own up to my ignorance. But there are other situations, typically when I've made a mistake, that I won't fully own up to it. I may apologize, but there are lots of instances when I'm apologizing for the situation rather than my actions. I don't always completely own up to what I've done. I think this is because, at the heart of it, I'm afraid. If I allow myself to fully realize the wrong that I've done, then I may realize that I'm not worth loving. Worse yet, if I completely own up to the situation and tell everyone else involved that I made a big, awful mistake, then they may not love me anymore.

I realize that it's much better to take responsibility, and I think that understanding my underlying fear will help me own up more in my everyday life. I don't want to bury things anymore. I want to be completely honest and open with other people when I make a mistake, and more importantly I want to be totally honest and open with myself. I need to learn to say that I did something wrong, that I've learned from it, and that I will do my best to not let it happen again. I think this will help how I relate with other people too and generally help me overcome some negativity in my thought processes. It will definitely be hard and scary to look inside myself and see what I've done, but in the end I know it will be worth it.

In sum, I need to stop blaming others and look inward for solutions.

To get the ball rolling, I take full responsibility for neglecting my helpful, thoughtful blog all during the month of July. I'll do my best not to let it happen again. :)

26. Different But Not Better

Sometimes I feel like I'm cheapening a thing by doing something else instead. For instance, I was offered a job at the library, and even though I really want it and know it would be great in all aspects of my life, I still find myself justifying my porn as if people would think it's less important to me now that I have a "real" job. I love making porn, and it has helped me get to an amazing, solid, and independent place in my life. There are all sorts of reasons to take on the library job, none of which reflect negatively on my porn. The two are just different, and I love them both.

I know this is a reoccurring theme in my life just coming around in a different way, and I realize how it affects the way I think about relationships too. It's definitely something I struggle with, especially considering my elitist, sadistic philosophy. It's hard for me to look at things without the lens of better than/less than. I know I can quantify things as different without thinking of them as better or worse when compared, but there's still a tickle in the back of my head that wonders why one isn't better. Maybe if it worked on it's flaws or expanded or adopted some of the highlights of the "competition" it could rise a tier higher. But now it's obvious that I'm just talking about myself!

Achievements for 06/20/10: Learned to make glorious vegan pizzas with homemade crust! Went to see the local sand sculptures. Had a really neat summer solstice. Re-discovered the bird sanctuary and marsh. Visited with my aunt. Saw some nice chickens at the fair. Made some big decisions!

25. Fear

I realized one of the goals I've been working on unconsciously is not being afraid. I don't want to be afraid of my physical limitations, so I challenge myself to try things like surfing and rock climbing. I don't want to be afraid to learn about myself, so I face my emotions and unravel my thoughts. I don't want to be afraid of challenging and expanding my comfort zone in all aspects of my life. I keep telling myself that I'm not afraid, and a lot of times that's true. But sometimes it isn't. Sometimes I'm afraid, and in the last week I pinpointed a few things that I'm very afraid of.

I'm afraid of showing my unshaved underarms to some of my friends and to the general public. Even on hot days, I usually throw on a jacket or at least a light button up. I'm not afraid of people seeing my hairy legs, but I am afraid of them seeing my underarms. Arcata is usually where I feel most and ease and will sometimes go out with just a tank top on. But even then, I try to keep my elbows at my sides. Even around good friends I'll be sure to wear something that doesn't declare "I don't shave my underarms!" I'm afraid of what people will think of me. I'm afraid they'll judge me or not want to be my friend. But really, why should I be so afraid of the perception of the general public? I already look alternative, so why am I worried about one more step? Because I have been judged and mocked about not shaving, sometimes by the people who are closest to me and sometimes by my family. How do I get over this?

Another thing I'm very afraid of is sharing Tegan. I've never been mocked for having a little side, but there seems to be even more social pressure about age play. Even people in the kink community sometimes consider it edge play, and that makes me scared to think of the implications that the general public would put on something like 24-hour little-ness. I think it's probably easier because I'm female. I think the social pressure would be much, much harder on a male to wear cute clothes, act small, and carry around a stuffed animal. But that still doesn't help me! Ideally, I'd like to be able to take my little out into public. I'd like to be able to have my stuffed animal around when I know I might have a little situation. I don't want to be ashamed of this part of who I am. But at the same time, I'm afraid. I don't want people to assume things about me or make fun of me.

But really, couldn't they already do that? I had one woman I'd never met before try to degrade my charter school experience to make herself feel better about her own children. I made snide remarks about public school and what I "missed out on," but I got the feeling it all went over her head. I'm not afraid or ashamed of that aspect of myself, so why should I be afraid of a certain part of my body or psychology? People are going to think and act however they like, regardless of who I am. It's not my problem that a part of me triggers an insecurity in them. I think I just have to force myself to be bold. If someone is too mentally or emotionally weak to deal with who I am, then it's not my job to fix them or deal with them in any way.

It's the first day of summer, and I'm going to wear a tank top.

Achievements for 06/13/10: Went to Sacramento and San Francisco. Had the most amazing vegan banana split with homemade cashew whipped cream ever. Attended my first vegan cooking class. Really, really enjoyed and started to get more comfortable with my yoga class. Went to farmer's market and Oyster fest. Visited with a good friend and met a really cool house. Finished The Stand by Stephen King.

24. Always There

I remember talking to my counselor about feeling sad, because there isn't anything really permanent that I can hold on to. Family passes away, friends move on, jobs change and so do living situations. When we first met, he asked me what I majored in. I told him philosophy, and he said that he had minored in it. I like to attribute what he said next to that fact. I said something along the lines of, "There's nothing and no one who will always be there." He replied, "You'll always be there." I absolutely cracked up laughing, and even thinking about it now I can't help but smile. Being reminded of that makes me feel very, very joyful. I think it has something to do with my ability to bootstrap and probably something to do with my love of self as well.

So, here I am. And here I'll always be!

Achievements for 06/06/10: Went to yoga and belly dance classes. Remembered my love of Whale Wars. Tried out laser tag. Solidified plans for Oakland. Planted catnip and Johnny jump-ups.

23. Outside My Comfort Zone

I came up with a new rule for myself in order to help test and expand my comfort zone. If I'm afraid of something, I have to do it. But if I just straight don't want to do it, then I don't do it. Sometimes it's hard to figure out if I'm scared or don't care, in those cases I try to compromise. The bottom line is that I want to learn new things, meet new people, and go new places without my fear being an inhibiting factor. Here are a couple things I want to try out over the summer.

1. Acting: I took an acting class last month and really enjoyed it. I even got invited to come sit on an improv meeting. Later this week there will be another class taught by a different teacher, so I'm going to attend that and see how it makes me feel. Ultimately, I'd like to perform something. I performed for the Imps a few times, and when I was younger I danced in big, local shows. I'd love to get in front of a big crowd again and strut my stuff, in whatever form that takes.

2. Surfing: I've lived on the coast all my life and adore the beaches. When I was younger, I was always told to stay away from the water and discouraged from anything other than swimming at the local pool, hence why I'm scared of trying it! But I'm a relatively strong swimmer and there are plenty of opportunities to learn how. I know of one class later this month and if that doesn't work out I'm sure there are people who can teach me how.

3. Rock Wall Climbing: I remember always wanting to try the rock walls at the fair when I was kid, but I was always too scared to actually do it. Now the university has one, and it always looked like fun when I was working out in the gym. I figure when I go back in the fall and have free access to the gym I can scrounge up someone to show me how it's done. I don't have a whole lot of upper body strength, but it's something I'm working on. Plus, if it turns out it's something I really like doing, it'll be another way I can work on my totally sick pythons!

Achievements for 05/30/10: Checked out some awesome tide pools. Did an amazing shoot with KG. Helped out with a cuddle party set up. Helped out with family things. Gave some great birthday gifts and attended some really fun, fulfilling parties!

22. 5 Things I Do Really Well

1. Bootstrapping. I originally learned the term from working with Linux, but I feel that it applies to what I do during intense emotional situations. I very rarely reach out to other people when I'm faced with a crisis or breakdown, so all I have to work with is myself. Typically I let myself whine or cry or wallow in apathy for awhile, and then I pull myself up by my bootstraps. I still don't totally understand how I do this or what I'm even actually doing. But I stand up, look myself in the mirror, typically laugh about how absurd I look, and then proceed with my day. I feel like I pull myself up by my bootstraps in larger situations that last months too. I bootstrapped my way out of anxiety, depression, and paranoia that crippled my relationships and day-to-day life.

2. Tell the Truth. Whether it's with myself, someone I love or someone I just met, I'm very good at being honest. Just as importantly, I'm good at knowing what the truth is to begin with. I don't hide or ignore things that are embarrassing or even shameful. I'm working on putting myself out there more and more, and for me that necessarily means being honest.

3. Organization. I'm very organized in my physical space and in my planning. I love knowing where everything is in my home, and I have a slightly creepy ability to tell other people where things are in their own home. I also love having a full social calendar planned out in advance, and this means I rarely, if ever, have anything double-booked or forget an appointment. Lately, I've learned to be organized and take inventory emotionally too. I tend to dump out my feelings in my journal or to a friend and then make neat and tidy connections with them. Overall, I'm very good at keeping my ducks in a row.

4. Be Creative. I feel like I'm a creative person in a lot of different ways. I love arts and crafts. I almost always have two or three projects going at once that range from vegan baking to amateur taxidermy. But I like to be creative in day-to-day sorts of ways too, and this has a lot to do with how much I enjoy problem solving. I like to find little things that frustrate or annoy me and then mull over interesting ways of dealing with them. I also feel like my job is an extension of my creativity too. Coming up with themes, costumes, props, and angles are all fun ways to express my creativity.

5. Problem Solve. Honestly, I get a certain thrill when I realize a problem has come up in my life, because then I know I get to use my problem solving skills to work it out. Sometimes it's something mundane like not liking the placement of my hand towel in the bathroom. Other times it's big emotional baggage that I've worn around my neck like a weight for years. Regardless of the size of the problem, there's still a way to solve this. I think this definitely ties in with being creative, because a lot of times problems don't have very straightforward answers. My methods for figuring out the problem are different, but I always get a sense of joy from rolling it around in my head until the right answer surfaces.

Achievements for 05/23/10: Was ever so satisfied with the ending of Lost. Learned the importance of wearing shoes in Zumba class. Met with a new friend and took time to relax. Spent lots of time with the family and helping out in general. Did a ton of C4S work. Found out about the music group "bond."

Reflections on May: May was a wonderful month of new experiences and healing. I was able to witness a beautiful wedding ceremony with friends and took part in two great birthday parties. Overall, I spent a lot of time in the company of friends, new and old. I attended the munch and spent a lot of time working with MT. I experienced all sorts of new things sexually and learned some of my likes and dislikes. I also learned some new things about creating smooth and interesting video. I really worked on expanding my comfort zone and took an improv acting class and attended some new dance classes. I checked out the local larp scene and had a really great and random day surrounding the event. I also got really comfortable with working on webcam and want to expand that more and more. I may have earned enough money for a sewing machine, but I ended up buying two new shirts instead! I pretty much finished all of the organization projects I'd planned for myself and started working on old craft projects again. I got rid of an absolute ton of old artwork, and it feels great to have all of the extra space and just have projects that I'm very proud of or very inspired by.

Expectations for June: Go to Seattle, Oakland, and Medford. Shoot with CD and KG. Continue to expand my comfort zone. Go to three exercise classes per week. Get on cam three times per week. Do organizing and craft projects for the month.

21. Pet Peeves

I like lists, but there are things that I don't like that aren't lists. This is a list of pet peeves that I have with myself. They're little annoyances that I'm trying to figure out how to get over. Nothing big but still a total pain in the butt!

1. Whining about money. I have no idea why I do this, but every time it comes out of my mouth I cringe internally. I especially don't like when I use money as an excuse, like not being able to do something because I don't have the cash. Nine times out of ten, I do have the money, but I plan on using it for groceries or gas. I really just want to say, "No, but thank you very much. How about we do this instead?" I think the heart of the matter is that I feel impolite when I use an excuse, and I was taught that money is a private matter. So, really I just want to be polite!

2. Chewing my lip. I don't know why I first starting gnawing on my bottom lip, but it has become a nervous habit. I tried to remedy it with chapstick, but it comes off too quickly. Sometimes lipstick works, but I'm not always in the mood to wear it. Recently I bought a fat pack of gum, and I realize that has helped me a lot. Maybe it's more of an oral fixation than a habit, but either way I'm going to try to get rid of it with gum!

3. Letting food go bad. I'm not talking about all food. I'm a single woman, and there is no way on this green earth I can be expected to finish an entire, full grown stalk of celery before it spoils. There's just no feasible way. What I'm bad about is putting things like soup or beans in a bowl for later, covering it with a paper towel, and then completely forgetting it exists for the next two to three weeks. Maybe I should invest in some clear wrap or just use the clear plastic containers I already have!

4. Being paranoid. I'm actually quite skilled at making a mountain out of a mole hill, and I do this way more than I should. I picked up this fun little habit from a few different members of my family, and I always feel upset when they act paranoid. But in reality the only difference between their thoughts and mine is that I don't speak mine out loud. I need to learn to be realistic and let go of thoughts and, a lot of the time, just laugh at myself. Being paranoid does nothing but upset me and inevitably stress me out.

5. Wasting time. This is probably my biggest little problem at this point in my life. I can waste time like nobody's business. Maybe I'll just check my email, but as long as I'm here I might as well check out the current discussion on Lost and read that new webcomic and what about a little time on Cute Overload? Chrome has a cute little extension called Stay Focused, but I disabled it when I realized some of my work sites cross over with time wasting sites (like Twitter). Plus, it's sometimes hard to add all the sites that I can potentially waste time on. But I'm going to enable it right now and make it work for me, because my time is important!

Achievements for 05/16/10: Spent time with furs and pervs. Shot with MT. Went to the beach. Went up to Trinidad and visited a bed and breakfast. Worked on videos for C4S. Marketed SC like a boss. Did a Lost photo shoot. Took that acting class. Started getting established on MFC.

20. When You Knew

I've recently had a few different people ask me how and when I knew I was poly. For me, it wasn't all of a sudden, and I don't think I woke up one morning and decided it was the lifestyle for me. Honestly, I'm not even completely convinced it is a choice. Like being attracted to certain kinds of people, I think being attracted to more than one person at a time is just a part of my nature. For the longest time, I didn't even have the word polyamorous in my verbal arsenal. All I had was, "I feel this way about you... and you and you!" And quite frankly, there were times when I didn't even have that! The issue first came up when I started having sex which was at a young age, and so I didn't know shit from Shinola when it came to communication.

The first person I had sex with was D, and he and I were two members from a group of four that spent an immense amount of time together. D and I were clearly in a relationship, but I had just discovered sex. And this meant anything and everything was fair game. I wanted desperately into C's pants, but it just wasn't happening. We kept spending more and more time together, and I realized that I was starting to fall in love with C too. Meanwhile, I was still very happy with D in spite of the usual teen love drama. C wasn't the reason D and I broke up, but it did add fuel to the fire. I couldn't express clearly how I felt and what I wanted, and even if I had I don't know if we could have made it work. But then along came K, and the two of us were happy. I was still very happy with K when D came back into my life. I loved and sexed them both, and this about tore poor K apart. I ended up not seeing D anymore and just pursuing the relationship with K.

It wasn't until I was with Y that I learned about open relationships. Unfortunately, ours was very stifling, so all the reading I did was in private. I didn't share anything I learned with him but instead read the stories of other people's lives and pined for a day when I could live my life like that. When I broke up with Y, the door was suddenly thrown wide open for me. I could do or be whatever I wanted. I decided to go down the road of the ethical slut, and while it's been more than I ever could have anticipated, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I still feel like it's a part of who I am that's constantly changing and growing.

Achievements for 05/09/10: Went to dance class. Chilled with new and old friends and crashed some parties. Got two intense MT videos done. Tried out a few new recipes. Finished my PAX East scrapbook. Got rid of a ton of old artwork and organized a bunch of spaces.