26. Different But Not Better

Sometimes I feel like I'm cheapening a thing by doing something else instead. For instance, I was offered a job at the library, and even though I really want it and know it would be great in all aspects of my life, I still find myself justifying my porn as if people would think it's less important to me now that I have a "real" job. I love making porn, and it has helped me get to an amazing, solid, and independent place in my life. There are all sorts of reasons to take on the library job, none of which reflect negatively on my porn. The two are just different, and I love them both.

I know this is a reoccurring theme in my life just coming around in a different way, and I realize how it affects the way I think about relationships too. It's definitely something I struggle with, especially considering my elitist, sadistic philosophy. It's hard for me to look at things without the lens of better than/less than. I know I can quantify things as different without thinking of them as better or worse when compared, but there's still a tickle in the back of my head that wonders why one isn't better. Maybe if it worked on it's flaws or expanded or adopted some of the highlights of the "competition" it could rise a tier higher. But now it's obvious that I'm just talking about myself!

Achievements for 06/20/10: Learned to make glorious vegan pizzas with homemade crust! Went to see the local sand sculptures. Had a really neat summer solstice. Re-discovered the bird sanctuary and marsh. Visited with my aunt. Saw some nice chickens at the fair. Made some big decisions!

25. Fear

I realized one of the goals I've been working on unconsciously is not being afraid. I don't want to be afraid of my physical limitations, so I challenge myself to try things like surfing and rock climbing. I don't want to be afraid to learn about myself, so I face my emotions and unravel my thoughts. I don't want to be afraid of challenging and expanding my comfort zone in all aspects of my life. I keep telling myself that I'm not afraid, and a lot of times that's true. But sometimes it isn't. Sometimes I'm afraid, and in the last week I pinpointed a few things that I'm very afraid of.

I'm afraid of showing my unshaved underarms to some of my friends and to the general public. Even on hot days, I usually throw on a jacket or at least a light button up. I'm not afraid of people seeing my hairy legs, but I am afraid of them seeing my underarms. Arcata is usually where I feel most and ease and will sometimes go out with just a tank top on. But even then, I try to keep my elbows at my sides. Even around good friends I'll be sure to wear something that doesn't declare "I don't shave my underarms!" I'm afraid of what people will think of me. I'm afraid they'll judge me or not want to be my friend. But really, why should I be so afraid of the perception of the general public? I already look alternative, so why am I worried about one more step? Because I have been judged and mocked about not shaving, sometimes by the people who are closest to me and sometimes by my family. How do I get over this?

Another thing I'm very afraid of is sharing Tegan. I've never been mocked for having a little side, but there seems to be even more social pressure about age play. Even people in the kink community sometimes consider it edge play, and that makes me scared to think of the implications that the general public would put on something like 24-hour little-ness. I think it's probably easier because I'm female. I think the social pressure would be much, much harder on a male to wear cute clothes, act small, and carry around a stuffed animal. But that still doesn't help me! Ideally, I'd like to be able to take my little out into public. I'd like to be able to have my stuffed animal around when I know I might have a little situation. I don't want to be ashamed of this part of who I am. But at the same time, I'm afraid. I don't want people to assume things about me or make fun of me.

But really, couldn't they already do that? I had one woman I'd never met before try to degrade my charter school experience to make herself feel better about her own children. I made snide remarks about public school and what I "missed out on," but I got the feeling it all went over her head. I'm not afraid or ashamed of that aspect of myself, so why should I be afraid of a certain part of my body or psychology? People are going to think and act however they like, regardless of who I am. It's not my problem that a part of me triggers an insecurity in them. I think I just have to force myself to be bold. If someone is too mentally or emotionally weak to deal with who I am, then it's not my job to fix them or deal with them in any way.

It's the first day of summer, and I'm going to wear a tank top.

Achievements for 06/13/10: Went to Sacramento and San Francisco. Had the most amazing vegan banana split with homemade cashew whipped cream ever. Attended my first vegan cooking class. Really, really enjoyed and started to get more comfortable with my yoga class. Went to farmer's market and Oyster fest. Visited with a good friend and met a really cool house. Finished The Stand by Stephen King.

24. Always There

I remember talking to my counselor about feeling sad, because there isn't anything really permanent that I can hold on to. Family passes away, friends move on, jobs change and so do living situations. When we first met, he asked me what I majored in. I told him philosophy, and he said that he had minored in it. I like to attribute what he said next to that fact. I said something along the lines of, "There's nothing and no one who will always be there." He replied, "You'll always be there." I absolutely cracked up laughing, and even thinking about it now I can't help but smile. Being reminded of that makes me feel very, very joyful. I think it has something to do with my ability to bootstrap and probably something to do with my love of self as well.

So, here I am. And here I'll always be!

Achievements for 06/06/10: Went to yoga and belly dance classes. Remembered my love of Whale Wars. Tried out laser tag. Solidified plans for Oakland. Planted catnip and Johnny jump-ups.

23. Outside My Comfort Zone

I came up with a new rule for myself in order to help test and expand my comfort zone. If I'm afraid of something, I have to do it. But if I just straight don't want to do it, then I don't do it. Sometimes it's hard to figure out if I'm scared or don't care, in those cases I try to compromise. The bottom line is that I want to learn new things, meet new people, and go new places without my fear being an inhibiting factor. Here are a couple things I want to try out over the summer.

1. Acting: I took an acting class last month and really enjoyed it. I even got invited to come sit on an improv meeting. Later this week there will be another class taught by a different teacher, so I'm going to attend that and see how it makes me feel. Ultimately, I'd like to perform something. I performed for the Imps a few times, and when I was younger I danced in big, local shows. I'd love to get in front of a big crowd again and strut my stuff, in whatever form that takes.

2. Surfing: I've lived on the coast all my life and adore the beaches. When I was younger, I was always told to stay away from the water and discouraged from anything other than swimming at the local pool, hence why I'm scared of trying it! But I'm a relatively strong swimmer and there are plenty of opportunities to learn how. I know of one class later this month and if that doesn't work out I'm sure there are people who can teach me how.

3. Rock Wall Climbing: I remember always wanting to try the rock walls at the fair when I was kid, but I was always too scared to actually do it. Now the university has one, and it always looked like fun when I was working out in the gym. I figure when I go back in the fall and have free access to the gym I can scrounge up someone to show me how it's done. I don't have a whole lot of upper body strength, but it's something I'm working on. Plus, if it turns out it's something I really like doing, it'll be another way I can work on my totally sick pythons!

Achievements for 05/30/10: Checked out some awesome tide pools. Did an amazing shoot with KG. Helped out with a cuddle party set up. Helped out with family things. Gave some great birthday gifts and attended some really fun, fulfilling parties!