17. Smells Like Breakthrough

I was really happy this past Wednesday when I leveled up with the help of my counselor. We were discussing my "not good enough" complex and how it relates to some of my relationships with other people. I realized that it all boiled down to not feeling like I was good enough to be loved. I could point to lots of instances when I was younger when I felt like that sentiment was being expressed to me, and I never really got over it. So, naturally, I ended up dragging that feeling into my adult life and into my friendships and intimate relationships. I realized that I was reading things into what people were saying and that it was only valid insofar as it was my own complex rearing its ugly head.

My counselor and I were talking about how I didn't feel like I was good enough to fix relationships and other peoples problems. I told him about one relationship in particular, and he basically said that I wasn't good enough to fix it... and neither was anyone else! This made something click in my head, and I realized what he said was true. I felt incredibly uplifted by the realization that there are times when I am not good enough to fix someone or something... and I don't want to be! I felt like this allowed me to shift the power of the situation and put control back in my hands. I can now own the way I feel without feeling helpless. I knew before that there were plenty of situations that I didn't want to deal with, because they weren't my problem or I didn't feel it was my job to fix them. Now I can extend this further and say that even if these are my problems, I'm just not good enough to fix them. So, I get to let them go!

I've been working more on my trust issue lately and focusing on why I don't feel like I trust myself. I realize I've made mistakes in the past, and I know that there are situations I could have handled better. But I realize what went wrong, and I feel I did my best given the circumstances. Still, I want to improve on this in the future. Specifically, I'm worried about letting people disrespect me and, in essence, walk all over me. I realized that when I love another person, I near enough let them get away with murder. I can't let myself do that, because it's incredibly detrimental to me! But people in my family have done some nasty things to me, and I still love them... so how do I reconcile that? I think by setting boundaries.

I don't believe in unconditional love, because I think that cheapens and destroys the meaning of love itself. I feel that love needs to be earned, even though I realize for myself that I don't have a lot of control over that emotion. I know I don't get to decide who I do and don't fall in love with, but I do get to decide how I act towards them. I know I can have love for someone without showing it to them or showing it to them without the confines of my established boundaries. Tegan and Sara say you need to walk out if they drag you down, and I know I need to adhere to that. Just because you love someone and they love you back doesn't give them the right to abuse your love. So make some boundaries and stick to them!

Achievements for 04/18/10: Took a salsa class and had a blast! Joined a new cam site. Did some big organization projects. Ate a whole loaf of Cookhouse bread. Got fresh flowers for the house. Sold my mini fridge. DIY fixed my cough. Went to my first prom and helped out on staff.

16. Healing & Personal Energy

Over the last week, I've been thinking a lot about different methods of healing. I'm currently seeing a therapist through HSU's Psychology department's master's counseling program, and I'm really looking forward to working through issues of not being "good enough" and trust with another individual to help guide and support me. These two big emotional knots are something I really want to work through for a variety of reasons, and one of these reasons is just so I can heal emotionally and move forward without that baggage.

I've also really wanted to heal physically in terms of making sure I'm having well balanced meals and moving my body in a variety of ways, but because I've been sick I only get to focus on drinking lots of water, tea, resting, and minimizing all forms of stress. I'm really looking forward to being well again so that I can dance, sing, stretch, and play without having to worry about a nasty cough or side pains. They're just no fun!

I talked to my massage therapist recently about the different ways that touch, massage specifically, can be very healing for a person. He emphasized the importance of the person giving the massage being able to handle the energy of the other person. This reminded me of how I'm very sensitive to the energy of other people. If they're wound up and excited, I get the same way. If they're calm and laid back so am I.

In my life, I've definitely had to work through big pitfalls in my own energy. I had extreme anxiety problems for a few years of my life, and I had to learn to let go of all that nervous tension and be calm. I also suffered through intense depression and had to learn to honor myself and refocus that negative energy into creativity. I am an absurdly passionate person, and I realize that I have to be mindful of where that passion is going.

Lately I've realized that a ton of my emotional and psychological energy has been fed into a black hole. It goes no where which upsets me, and then I just end up being negative! I've given it away without really thinking about it, and it's time for me to reclaim it for myself. I owe it to myself to not just give away that passion. I'm very excited to see all the things I can do and be when my time, love, and energy are my own!

Achievements for 04/11/10: Met with an old friend. Got a massage. Started counseling. Met some incredible new people to work with. Cammed more than I probably should have! Visited with good friends.

15. One Body, Many Lives

I recently heard the sentiment, "We have one body but many lives." Naturally I've heard the idea that we have one soul or life that hops around from body to body when we die. That notion has never really resonated with me, except when I'm completely out of my head. There are times when I feel like I am the "watcher." I pull out of my body and head and look down on myself. I'm completely at a loss when I look in the mirror. Or I feel a lonesome tugging on my soul that I can't explain or even put my finger on. These are the few times when I have felt that there was something more, but again it's something I don't feel I can truly talk about. It's just there, and occasionally I notice it.

The idea of having one body and many lives, however, truly resonates with me. I've noticed lately that my heart and head have been putting a big emphasis on the fact that I have only one body and that I get to ride this ride with it only once. I'm not sure why, but it has influenced my health practices overall. And for this I'm very grateful. I want to become even better at worshiping and empowering my body. My sexual health is fabulous, and my eating habits are getting better every day. I need to work on a better meal schedule and remember to move my body more, and I'm definitely getting to a place where I can work on both of those goals. I'm also doing a great job of keeping my stress levels low and dealing with stress and hardship in incredibly productive ways. I am very proud of myself, and I feel like I'm cresting the hill to a new life in this body.

I don't know why it never struck me before, but I adore the notion of rebirth in my body. When I look back over my life, I can see important points where I was essentially reborn in fire. Critical times in my life caused me to radically change how I looked at the world and myself. And there are other times when it I can see the slow and steady progress it took. I like examining my past lives and respecting how they helped to get me where I am now. I like to know that each day is an opportunity for me to improve or live a different life completely. That sense of self control is very refreshing.

Accomplishments for 04/04/10: Registered for fall classes. Socialized like a boss with nerds and pervs. Went to Kneeland. Got SC and work life back on track. Tried two new recipes. Had Easter with the family.

14. Journaling & Heavy Lifting

I've been working with some pretty heavy emotional lifting lately, and I've noticed that journaling has really helped me in a wide variety of ways. First off, it gives me someone to talk to who I can trust completely. I can rage or be sad or be totally crazy, and the only important thing is that I get it off my chest. I don't have to worry about offending or upsetting anyone with a journal. It's really liberating to know that I can pour my heart out without judgement. Once that's out of the way, I can really get down to the meat of the subject. Journaling has helped me unravel my feelings and look at things in different and constructive ways. I like being able to take a variety of different viewpoints and still be able to look back at where I started. Probably one of the best things about journaling is that it really helps me to focus on solutions. At the end of my entry, I always make a list of things that I've realized or want to accomplish. It's great being able to open up emotionally, work through my thoughts, and feel like I come out with something really constructive.

Lately, I've been working on two really big challenges of mine: trust and feeling like I'm "good enough." These are both issues that I have a history with and working with them is very difficult for me. Trust is especially hard, because I feel like I have to trust someone in order to open up emotionally to them. But how do I trust someone in the first place? Over the past year, I've had my trust broken by people I've been very close to and also by acquaintances. I see in myself just how much I've clammed up, and quite frankly I'm scared of opening back up. A good friend told me that I always seem very composed and in control of my appearances. I do feel in control, but I want to be able to open up. I want to express my inner little kid, and I want to be happy and exaggerated. But I'm just not sure how to go about restructuring my heart and head to make that feasible. I keep imagining my heart is like an egg, and I'm too scared to let anyone else hold it for fear they might drop it. Maybe I need to reinforce that egg? It's definitely a work in progress.

Accomplishments for 03/28/10: Got vaccinated! Dealt with explosive luggage. Supported the local sex positive and GLBTQQI community. Invested in the best sex toy in the whole universe. Cut and dyed my hair.