5. Self Therapy

While working on fulfilling my New Year's resolutions, I realize that I complete them in lots of different ways. Some are very tangible, like learning to cut my hair. Either I go at my hair and make it look like a bird's nest or I don't. Others are a little bit wider, like expanding my porn career. I don't want to expect anything outrageous, but at the same time I don't want to expect too little of myself. So, I figure I can pace it through the year and see what happens. I think the most abstract resolution is number ten. But even in the last week I feel like I've solidified what that means to me. I want to be able to be my own therapist, meaning I want to be able to untangle my feelings and express myself clearly and logically. Lately I feel like I've been successful with exactly that!

For me personally, I'm lucky when a problem shows up and declares itself a problem. In those cases, I can face it head on, state my emotions, respect them, and then work on the resolution. However, it seems more often than not my head takes time to catch up to my heart. I'll make a connection, and I might acknowledge it but not realize how important it is. Later, I'll start to feel sad or angry or just generally upset. Then I have to sit down and reason it all out. Usually I'll make a list of things that could be the source of my upset, and I think of how to solve each one. Sometimes it's as simple as being physically uncomfortable or not feeling rewarded for the day's events. But other times it's a major logical connection that I made, feel bad about, but somehow forgot to acknowledge. I'm happy that I know how this works, and I know ways of dealing with intense emotions. Writing things down does wonders, and while it's great to have another head to help untangle it all, even just some deep breaths can do good.

Reflecting on January 2010: I had an incredible time at FC, and I have lots of surreal pictures to prove it! I hit a milestone with SC, and I now feel comfortable with it as my major source of income. I feel like I know what's expected of me to earn this amount, and I know I can commit myself to it. I mostly set up appointments to see people in February, but I'm proud of being on top of things so much. The only thing that didn't really pan out was making the cabinet, but the alternative ended up being much cheaper. Plus, I'll still get to learn how to alter a piece of furniture!

Expectations for 02/07/10: Have Clips4Sale page populated. Have set for VegPorn. Have dead bird play date. Finished Cthulhu car charm. Read three chapters of car care book.

Expectations for March 2010: Had a kinky and creative V-Day. Gone to tons of groups and classes and picked my favorites. Applied to three new websites. Have crow bits separated. Have a diagram of Betty. Finished and shared five crafts.

4. Being Alone and Euphoric

While I like being in the company of family and good friends, I also relish the opportunity to be alone. I definitely have a certain amount of time each day that I like being solitary in, otherwise I can start to feel overwhelmed. I like being organised and introspective, and I think I do these best when I'm by myself. Then again, I don't necessarily have to be in isolation to be alone. I can be in a huge group of people and be alone. I found out this weekend at Further Confusion, that there are times when I'm with a ton of people and love feeling like I'm by myself among them.

Sometimes I feel like a relationship, not necessarily a romantic one, can be stifling. It can be hard to fully stretch your wings and taste everything the world has to offer. You want to compromise, because you want to be with the other person. But there are times when solitude is wonderful, because then you don't have to worry about the other person. I found that on the dance floor a lot of times other people will get all up in your business and try to make designs on you. Even if you just dance, you're hindered by their movements. I can't hop and jive and shimmy like I normally would if someone's right up on me. I felt truly euphoric when I danced by myself. I could feel the beat and move myself exactly how I wanted to, without any hindrances. Sometimes it's nice to dance with other people, and sometimes it's wonderful to dance alone.

Expectations for 01/31/10: Be totally set up with the local D&D group. Know the logistics for fall. Start reading up on my car. Have appointment for firearm lessons. Start cabinet construction.

3. Earthquake of 2010

The earthquake really rattled us, and I was lucky that nothing truly important was lost or broken. I had to pot a few plants and clean up some glass, but that was really the extent of my damage. I was so grateful that Mephistopheles and all my electronics were okay. But it really got me thinking about potential catastrophes and how I could prevent and prepare for them in the future. I've decided to secure all of my furniture to wall studs and use velcro straps to secure my monitor and fish tank. I'm also going to replace my desk with a custom cabinet that should not only be much more earthquake safe but also suit my current organization needs more efficiently.

While thinking about disasters, I also decided to prepare myself in two other ways. I'm going to start keeping a first aid kit (affectionately the Zombie Kit) in my car with everything I could need from band aids to water to a lint roller. Because I don't have any health or renter's insurance, I've also decided to put aside a set amount of money each month in a savings account. This will be useful not only in case of health or home apocalypse but also for routine dentist and doctor visits. And I like to think I'll grow old without any major disasters and have a nice chunk of change to go sky diving with!

Expectations for 01/24/10: Completely in the throes of a fabulous FC. Have at least one more shoot done. Be ready to start working on cabinet. Have a Bad Dragon toy in my possession.

2. Primary Relationship Needs

Here is the list of things that I need in a primary relationship. I noticed after writing it that love wasn't included, and I realized that I think of true love as having all of these needs met at once.

1. Trust. This is the foundation for any relationship I have, and it must be earned. It also includes honesty and accountability. I need my partner to own up to mistakes as well.

2. Respect.

3. Open Communication.

4. Reliability and responsibility.

5. Compatibility. This one contains a broad range of things, such as humor, interests, sex, space, and growth.

6. Thoughtfulness. My partner must acknowledge where I'm coming from. On top of that, I need someone who considers and responds to my feelings in the moment.

7. Collaboration. As much as I try, I can't make it work on my own!

8. Support. I include encouragement and appreciation in this category too. I have to know my partner is behind me and enjoys who I am and what I do.

9. Forgiveness.

10. Quality time and Romance. As much as I love day to day life, I would still much rather have one or two nights of time spent cuddling, talking, and being close than a whole week of routine and words exchanged that could've just as easily and effectively been communicated online or through text.

1. Birds & Porn

I'm so happy to have my Canon SX1 IS, and I've even managed to pay it off already. I feel like my skill level has already improved with the handful of Southern Charms sets and random photo taking I've done with it. I feel really creative with my porn, and I'm not worried about running out of set ideas any time soon. My Canon captures light wonderfully, and it's a great fit with my tripod. I know it'll work hard for me, and I hope to keep doing it justice. I'm completely in love with the sets Skin and Shoot Me. Skin has beautiful lighting, and I love the camera angle. I was able to keep it stationary while I changed my position, and I don't feel like that negatively affected the set at all. Shoot Me was wonderfully creative, and it gave me a new perspective on my relationship with my camera. I'm looking forward to more unique, photographic experiences.

Aside from porn, I also chose this particular model because the telescoping lens is great for birding. I got some really amazing shots in Carlotta, and I'm already able to identify the six species I saw. I'd like to make a bird album with 100 local species and slowly fill it up. This will be a fun project for after FC. I'm also really looking forward to becoming active in the Audubon society. Here are a couple of my favorite shots. They are a turkey vulture, a black phoebe, and two starlings.