22. 5 Things I Do Really Well

1. Bootstrapping. I originally learned the term from working with Linux, but I feel that it applies to what I do during intense emotional situations. I very rarely reach out to other people when I'm faced with a crisis or breakdown, so all I have to work with is myself. Typically I let myself whine or cry or wallow in apathy for awhile, and then I pull myself up by my bootstraps. I still don't totally understand how I do this or what I'm even actually doing. But I stand up, look myself in the mirror, typically laugh about how absurd I look, and then proceed with my day. I feel like I pull myself up by my bootstraps in larger situations that last months too. I bootstrapped my way out of anxiety, depression, and paranoia that crippled my relationships and day-to-day life.

2. Tell the Truth. Whether it's with myself, someone I love or someone I just met, I'm very good at being honest. Just as importantly, I'm good at knowing what the truth is to begin with. I don't hide or ignore things that are embarrassing or even shameful. I'm working on putting myself out there more and more, and for me that necessarily means being honest.

3. Organization. I'm very organized in my physical space and in my planning. I love knowing where everything is in my home, and I have a slightly creepy ability to tell other people where things are in their own home. I also love having a full social calendar planned out in advance, and this means I rarely, if ever, have anything double-booked or forget an appointment. Lately, I've learned to be organized and take inventory emotionally too. I tend to dump out my feelings in my journal or to a friend and then make neat and tidy connections with them. Overall, I'm very good at keeping my ducks in a row.

4. Be Creative. I feel like I'm a creative person in a lot of different ways. I love arts and crafts. I almost always have two or three projects going at once that range from vegan baking to amateur taxidermy. But I like to be creative in day-to-day sorts of ways too, and this has a lot to do with how much I enjoy problem solving. I like to find little things that frustrate or annoy me and then mull over interesting ways of dealing with them. I also feel like my job is an extension of my creativity too. Coming up with themes, costumes, props, and angles are all fun ways to express my creativity.

5. Problem Solve. Honestly, I get a certain thrill when I realize a problem has come up in my life, because then I know I get to use my problem solving skills to work it out. Sometimes it's something mundane like not liking the placement of my hand towel in the bathroom. Other times it's big emotional baggage that I've worn around my neck like a weight for years. Regardless of the size of the problem, there's still a way to solve this. I think this definitely ties in with being creative, because a lot of times problems don't have very straightforward answers. My methods for figuring out the problem are different, but I always get a sense of joy from rolling it around in my head until the right answer surfaces.

Achievements for 05/23/10: Was ever so satisfied with the ending of Lost. Learned the importance of wearing shoes in Zumba class. Met with a new friend and took time to relax. Spent lots of time with the family and helping out in general. Did a ton of C4S work. Found out about the music group "bond."

Reflections on May: May was a wonderful month of new experiences and healing. I was able to witness a beautiful wedding ceremony with friends and took part in two great birthday parties. Overall, I spent a lot of time in the company of friends, new and old. I attended the munch and spent a lot of time working with MT. I experienced all sorts of new things sexually and learned some of my likes and dislikes. I also learned some new things about creating smooth and interesting video. I really worked on expanding my comfort zone and took an improv acting class and attended some new dance classes. I checked out the local larp scene and had a really great and random day surrounding the event. I also got really comfortable with working on webcam and want to expand that more and more. I may have earned enough money for a sewing machine, but I ended up buying two new shirts instead! I pretty much finished all of the organization projects I'd planned for myself and started working on old craft projects again. I got rid of an absolute ton of old artwork, and it feels great to have all of the extra space and just have projects that I'm very proud of or very inspired by.

Expectations for June: Go to Seattle, Oakland, and Medford. Shoot with CD and KG. Continue to expand my comfort zone. Go to three exercise classes per week. Get on cam three times per week. Do organizing and craft projects for the month.

21. Pet Peeves

I like lists, but there are things that I don't like that aren't lists. This is a list of pet peeves that I have with myself. They're little annoyances that I'm trying to figure out how to get over. Nothing big but still a total pain in the butt!

1. Whining about money. I have no idea why I do this, but every time it comes out of my mouth I cringe internally. I especially don't like when I use money as an excuse, like not being able to do something because I don't have the cash. Nine times out of ten, I do have the money, but I plan on using it for groceries or gas. I really just want to say, "No, but thank you very much. How about we do this instead?" I think the heart of the matter is that I feel impolite when I use an excuse, and I was taught that money is a private matter. So, really I just want to be polite!

2. Chewing my lip. I don't know why I first starting gnawing on my bottom lip, but it has become a nervous habit. I tried to remedy it with chapstick, but it comes off too quickly. Sometimes lipstick works, but I'm not always in the mood to wear it. Recently I bought a fat pack of gum, and I realize that has helped me a lot. Maybe it's more of an oral fixation than a habit, but either way I'm going to try to get rid of it with gum!

3. Letting food go bad. I'm not talking about all food. I'm a single woman, and there is no way on this green earth I can be expected to finish an entire, full grown stalk of celery before it spoils. There's just no feasible way. What I'm bad about is putting things like soup or beans in a bowl for later, covering it with a paper towel, and then completely forgetting it exists for the next two to three weeks. Maybe I should invest in some clear wrap or just use the clear plastic containers I already have!

4. Being paranoid. I'm actually quite skilled at making a mountain out of a mole hill, and I do this way more than I should. I picked up this fun little habit from a few different members of my family, and I always feel upset when they act paranoid. But in reality the only difference between their thoughts and mine is that I don't speak mine out loud. I need to learn to be realistic and let go of thoughts and, a lot of the time, just laugh at myself. Being paranoid does nothing but upset me and inevitably stress me out.

5. Wasting time. This is probably my biggest little problem at this point in my life. I can waste time like nobody's business. Maybe I'll just check my email, but as long as I'm here I might as well check out the current discussion on Lost and read that new webcomic and what about a little time on Cute Overload? Chrome has a cute little extension called Stay Focused, but I disabled it when I realized some of my work sites cross over with time wasting sites (like Twitter). Plus, it's sometimes hard to add all the sites that I can potentially waste time on. But I'm going to enable it right now and make it work for me, because my time is important!

Achievements for 05/16/10: Spent time with furs and pervs. Shot with MT. Went to the beach. Went up to Trinidad and visited a bed and breakfast. Worked on videos for C4S. Marketed SC like a boss. Did a Lost photo shoot. Took that acting class. Started getting established on MFC.

20. When You Knew

I've recently had a few different people ask me how and when I knew I was poly. For me, it wasn't all of a sudden, and I don't think I woke up one morning and decided it was the lifestyle for me. Honestly, I'm not even completely convinced it is a choice. Like being attracted to certain kinds of people, I think being attracted to more than one person at a time is just a part of my nature. For the longest time, I didn't even have the word polyamorous in my verbal arsenal. All I had was, "I feel this way about you... and you and you!" And quite frankly, there were times when I didn't even have that! The issue first came up when I started having sex which was at a young age, and so I didn't know shit from Shinola when it came to communication.

The first person I had sex with was D, and he and I were two members from a group of four that spent an immense amount of time together. D and I were clearly in a relationship, but I had just discovered sex. And this meant anything and everything was fair game. I wanted desperately into C's pants, but it just wasn't happening. We kept spending more and more time together, and I realized that I was starting to fall in love with C too. Meanwhile, I was still very happy with D in spite of the usual teen love drama. C wasn't the reason D and I broke up, but it did add fuel to the fire. I couldn't express clearly how I felt and what I wanted, and even if I had I don't know if we could have made it work. But then along came K, and the two of us were happy. I was still very happy with K when D came back into my life. I loved and sexed them both, and this about tore poor K apart. I ended up not seeing D anymore and just pursuing the relationship with K.

It wasn't until I was with Y that I learned about open relationships. Unfortunately, ours was very stifling, so all the reading I did was in private. I didn't share anything I learned with him but instead read the stories of other people's lives and pined for a day when I could live my life like that. When I broke up with Y, the door was suddenly thrown wide open for me. I could do or be whatever I wanted. I decided to go down the road of the ethical slut, and while it's been more than I ever could have anticipated, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I still feel like it's a part of who I am that's constantly changing and growing.

Achievements for 05/09/10: Went to dance class. Chilled with new and old friends and crashed some parties. Got two intense MT videos done. Tried out a few new recipes. Finished my PAX East scrapbook. Got rid of a ton of old artwork and organized a bunch of spaces.

19. Aberration

"...The truth is a big fat nasty glowing monster waiting to devour me. Only that this monster is actually me... Remind myself to not give up to this monster."

I described my cycle of negative thoughts as a hydra the other day, and the idea stuck. They're very cyclical to begin with, but then when I feel like I've corrected one aspect and go onto the next, the part I thought I was finished with rears its head again. Typically it goes something along the lines of, "I don't trust this person, because I think they might abandon me or otherwise abuse my trust. But why would they do that? Because I'm not good enough to be loved." I realized the whole reason I wanted to go into counseling is because of that train of thought, because of that hydra. I can say I'm not good enough to fix something, and I don't want to be. But that's only one neck of the problem and isn't enough to solve it. So what about the other two?

Trust, at least in myself, is something I've been working on in leaps and bounds this last week. I feel incredibly puffed up and proud about how I handled a few key situations, and I'm believing in myself again and getting that cocky look back in my eyes. I think that trusting in other people will be a combination of time and establishing different boundaries for different people. What am I willing to give to another person? And what emotional investment am I willing to place in whatever I've handed over to them? I don't know that fear of abandonment has a solution. It was suggested to me that maybe it's just something that takes time. Maybe I need to have more life experiences. Maybe I need someone to show me that I'm good enough. But I strongly dislike the idea of that. It feeds back into my not wanting to trust people. I certainly don't want to have to rely on another person to give me a life experience that I really want and believe I need! Then again, maybe there just isn't a solution. Maybe this isn't a "problem" in the way that I've been looking at it. Maybe this is something that doesn't need to be "fixed." Maybe it's just me.

I don't like the idea of this just being a part of me, and I equally don't like the idea of needing other people. But, surprisingly enough, I have to have it. Oh, look! Here's the human condition that I need to acknowledge but keep frowning at and continually try to sweep under the rug. Believe it or not, I don't think that's going to help anything. With a big sigh and grumbling under my breath I need to say that I need other people. Of course I realize this is true in the bigger sense. I need the postman to take my mail, I need the grocer to stock my favorite cereal, and I need the mechanic to check my oil. But more than that I need real, close human contact. And not just family. And not just friends. I want someone close to me. I want a physical, emotional, and mental connection with another human being. And in all honesty, this is incredibly hard for me to say!

I feel like saying that I want this connection in my life means that I'm saying I need it. I know that isn't true, but I'm terrified of getting anywhere near that ledge where the drop off leads down to a pit of Cosmo and constant phone checking and obsessing over appearance and exuding desperation around prospective mates. I also feel like this is turning my back on the sacred thing that is my solo space. If not for my strict physical, financial, and emotional independence, I wouldn't have learned all these intricate things about myself! I wouldn't have stability or safety. And most importantly, I wouldn't have peace of mind. I enjoy my alone time immensely, and I feel as though when I say I want a special person in my life, I'm saying I'm willing to throw my solo lifestyle out the window. And maybe that's just because I've never actually had a relationship that didn't ultimately compromise my lifestyle in a drastic way. And maybe it's because I live in a culture that obsesses over white picket fence scenarios. And maybe it's just because I don't know any other person who lives the way I do.

So, maybe I'm not broken after all. Maybe the hydra is just an energy that I need to recognize and respect before turning that energy into something good and productive. Maybe it's just me. But, naturally, that doesn't mean I won't constantly strive to improve myself!

Reflections on April: April was a very busy month with all sorts of exciting time with friends new and old. I spent a lot of time with the sex positive community by attending the Sexland Expo, going to the munch, and volunteering for two shifts at the Imps event. And even though our Hunters game was pushed back to the end of the semester, I still enjoyed the sessions we did have and found other ways to nerd out with friends. I registered for the fall semester and thereby cemented my plans for the latter half of the year. I also signed up for a new cam site and am enjoying all the traffic and variety of clients. Not to mention I cut and buzzed my own hair with great success for the first time and invested in a Feeldoe too! I took a salsa class that inspired me to get back into dancing, and I completely cured the wretched cough that followed me home from PAX! I dealt with website problems on the administrator side and made appointments to shoot with new and professional folks. Overall, not a bad month!

Expectations for May: Take an acting class. Go to dance class three times per week. Crap pants about the finale of Lost. Earn enough money for a sewing machine. Get on a regular-ish cam schedule. Finish organization & craft projects.

Achievements for 05/02/10: Went to the munch. Shot three sets with fellow charms. Shot two 45 minute videos with MT. Visited with new groups of folks. Celebrated Mother's Day early with my mom and grandma. Learned how to play spoons.

18. What About Tegan

I don't often talk about my interest in ageplay or, specifically, the little that I identify with. There are quite a few reasons why I shy away from this topic, not least of which is that ageplay is sometimes considered a form of edgeplay. It's often wrongly associated with pedophilia or d/l. Like being furry, it has a bad reputation that it's slowly growing out of. But more than the usual social misconceptions, I'm also feel that I'm unusual in my ageplay wants. There is zero sexuality to my little, and I want to keep it that way. There's also no physical punishment or discipline in my ideal arrangement. So what does Tegan want?

I've been waffling over this next paragraph for the last hour, because honestly I'm not accustomed to talking about Tegan. I'm worried about what other people will think, and even more so I'm worried about people having an interest in being a part of Tegan's life. In the past, I've had a few prospective Daddies lined up, but for whatever reason things didn't work out. This just served to upset and disappoint my little. So, I keep her more and more guarded. But really, the purpose of this is to express her publicly, and I'll do my best to dive in now that I've explained a little more.

Tegan is about six or seven years old and loves to play. She likes playing with stuffed animals, building blocks, and play wrestling with bigger kids. She adores interactions with older kids and loves having books read to her, being cuddled, taking naps, having a snack, and watching movies together. When alone, she enjoys coloring and jumping on the bed. What she craves most of all is having a big, or even a middle, to take her places. She wants to go to the zoo, the park, have ice cream, go swimming, and do all the other things littles get to do with their guardians. I still hold out hope to find a person or persons to play with and protect Tegan, but until then I'm working on keeping her content in a solitary space and being more public. So, ask me about my inner kid.

Accomplishments for 04/25/10: Made appointments to shoot with MT, CD, and SC girls. Attended a beautiful wedding. Made plans with friends. Did some great custom work and tinkered with movie magic. Tried a few new recipes. Dealt with website silliness.