9. In The Moment

I excel at being organized. I like when everything has a place, and I like having a routine. I like when the books are categorized by subject and author. I like things that aren't too empty and aren't too cluttered. I love when rooms have symmetry and a visual beat. I like knowing what's going on later today and later this week, even if it's just playing SNES and eating cookies. I like planning, and I'm very good at it. But lately I've realized that there is a drawback to being ever so meticulous.

I have a bad habit of not being in the moment, and I know this is something I've had a problem with for awhile, though I only recently identified it as a problem. I have a pattern of getting so caught up thinking about what I'll be doing in a few hours or few months that I forget to stop and look at what's going on around me. I really want to relearn how to just be present. I get so caught up running around and around in my own head that I start to feel negative, and so often this can be fixed just by focusing on my breathing. I added thoughtful breathing to my list of resolutions for a few different reasons. I know it's better for my body, but it also helps slow down my racing mind. I really want to reclaim that childlike sense of wonder that I feel I've let go of lately.

I want to laugh at the silly face the guy in the car across from me is making. I want to luxuriate in the feeling of my skin beneath my own fingers. I want to smell the sky getting ready to open up and rain, and I want to guesstimate the hex code for this particular shade of old lady purple.

Reflections on February: I focused quite a bit of my energies on finding an apartment in February. This meant dredging through every local listing the internet has to offer and even unearthing a few neatly compiled lists of rental agencies and individuals. This also meant going to showings, filling out applications, and packing. All of my books and a large part of my decorations were packed up, and honestly there isn't much more to do until I know for sure if I have a place. On top of apartment hunting, I was also very active in the local XXX and nerd communities. I performed at an Imps party and had a blast, on and off stage. I also have a regular Hunters game set up, and I love the players, GM, and story. It's fantastic, and I'm looking forward to many, many more weeks of being a large, burly man. I applied to VegPorn and am still waiting to hear back. I have an account at Clips4Sale and am building up content. I have a crow in pieces, my tax refund, and an illustration of under Betty's hood. The only thing that didn't really pan out was crafting regularly, but I'm going to stick to it! To top off February, I got sick. :{ I pride myself in rarely getting sick, maybe seriously once a year, so at least I'm hoping this means I'm done with sick duty for the year. And speaking of duties, I got out of jury duty because of PAX! "How awesome is that?!" she interrobanged.

Expectations for 03/07/10: Have Boston/D.C. plans ironed out and settled. Have work buffered edited and uploaded. Read Chapters 1-4 of car care book. Finish and laminate Meph badge. Apartment?

Expectations for April: Be completely moved into and settled into my new home. Had my first handgun lesson and decided where to go from there. Submitted to I Shot Myself and Beautiful Agony. Completed and shared a craft a week! Read a good portion of car manual. Went to Boston and got my drink and my two step at PAX East! Focused on click and treating myself.

8. Eggs & Baskets

Don't put all your eggs in one basket! It's a silly saying, but the thought behind it makes sense. If you put everything you value in one person, place, thing, or idea there's a chance you could lose it all. It's a really strange thought to me, because I've always envisioned people in general as having one strong, solid foundation as the basis for their beliefs and actions. That base supports and strengthens their arguments and choices. But does it make more sense to have multiple foundations that lean on one another? It seems that if one of the pieces is faulty it's less likely to make the whole structure come tumbling down.

I feel like I'm a very driven individual and for the majority of my life I've had one specific goal in mind that I strive towards. I realized recently though that it might be better to start putting my emotional eggs in separate baskets, to make my foundation out of a few pieces rather than one large one. I've had more than one big turning point in my life where I realized that single goal I was working towards wasn't what I thought it was, and it's incredibly disappointing. It's hard to manage not only the grief of the loss but then the feeling of helplessness when I realized all my expectations were gone. My expectations help determine my motivation, and my motivation is what keeps me going about my daily business.

I try to make myself the foundation of everything that I do, which makes for a very fun circular problem during a crisis. But I think I can still make myself the overall foundation if I divide up different parts of myself to rely on. I'm focusing more on work, creativity, and travel in my life. If something is going wrong in one area, I always have the others to fall back on. I'm still having a hard time sorting out the problems of foundation and motivation and circular reasoning, but it's slowly starting to make more sense to me. Most importantly, I'm doing my best to put it all into practice!

Expectations for 02/28/10: Have five new photo sets up. Have three new videos up. Have March appointment with firearms gentleman. Draw and label Betty. Bead Cthulhu charm. Don't forget to knit!

7. My House, My Home

I'm am incredibly excited for my new apartment, and I'm looking forward to so many things about it. Some of them might seem mundane, but I've learned what it's like to live without them. There are definitely some little things that are actually quite big for me and even defining points of who I am! I consider my home an extension of myself, and if there's something amiss in my home I can always feel it. So I'm really happy to be moving forward in terms of housing, and I'm feeling ever so positive about it. I know what I want, and I know I can make it happen!

One of my biggest expectations for my home is to be able to express myself in it. I must be able to decorate everything from the walls to the windows to the floors. I have to show off my own art and art that inspires me. It's the place where I work and relax, and I want it to provide a space for both of those equally important activities. I also expect my home to be utilitarian. I love feathering my nest, but I really dislike excess. In my home, everything needs to have a place so that I can function without stressing out about little things. Most importantly, my home must accommodate me.

I plan on taking before and after pictures of the apartment, and I'm sure I'll post some of the after ones here. I'm also really looking forward to having a house warming party. I've never had one before, but I think it will be lots of fun and important too. I want my friends to feel welcome in my home, not to mention I like showing off my nest and having an excuse to play. All in all, I'm so excited for my new home, and I know it will be wonderful.

Expectations for 02/21/10: Have seven sets prepped. Have three crafts (charm, card, knit) finished and shared. Have five videos prepped. Make Betty cheat sheet. Know apartment situation!

6. Being Realistic

This week I didn't meet four out of the five goals that I set for myself, but it certainly wasn't for lack of trying! I was inspired by my goals, and I definitely wanted to get them done. I didn't slack off or spend all week having sex and playing video games. I just failed to set realistic goals for myself. I was incredibly busy this week, and I still feel physically and emotionally drained. I socialized, volunteered, collaborated, and communicated like a boss. I restarted a very complex relationship. I did important things like taking care of myself, and I made some very big decisions. I decided I'm ready for a new apartment, and I decided to go to PAX East. To top it all off, I've been having a very harsh period!

I think the only real flaw in the goal setting I did last week is that I didn't truly consider the upcoming week. If I had thought about it, I would have realized it wouldn't be feasible for me to make clips or photo sets this week. I'm usually pretty good at looking at the events on my calendar before I set goals, but I think it's also important that I start thinking about my body. Will I be on my period and feel tired? Did I just drive 12 hours and now feel like driving as little as possible? It's hard to anticipate what sort of mental state I'll be in, however I think it's a good idea to start thinking about where I'll be at emotionally. Will I be looking for more or less socialization in the coming week?

Above all, it's best that I learn to go with the flow. I set some goals, but I forgot to take myself into account before I made them. Oh, well! I'll make better ones next week and learn from my mistakes. But for now I just need to roll with it and listen to my heart and body for a little direction. After all, it's only the second week of the second month. I've already made huge strides in achieving my resolutions, and I'm starting to think I'll need to add even more on! So far, so good. And I can be content with that.

Expectations for 02/14/10: Have four Clips4Sale up. Have VegPorn set submitted. Finish Cthulhu car charm. Read more about Betty. Put on a kick ass Imps show. Pack up bookshelves. Clean and use my new clippers!